I’m not a man. I’m a human male, but I am not now, nor have I ever considered myself to be, a man. Not being a man really used to bother me, but the older I get, the less it matters to me. Of course, I’m lying when I write that it matters less to me, but lying to ourselves about things we realize we are getting too old to change is part of getting old.
Oxford Languages defines a man as: “an adult male human being.” Yeah, that’s almost my definition of what I am too, but Oxford Languages and I have different definitions of what it takes to be a man. I think the definition of “manhood” maybe has something to do with it. Oxford Languages defines “manhood” as: “the state or period of being a man rather than a child.” Ahh… now I see it. I never truly passed on from childhood, so I don’t consider myself to be a man.
In order to become a man, in my opinion, you have to physically do something to pass from childhood to manhood. The journey is filled with the passing of a ritual or ritual-like way of life that converts a boy into a man. By passing through this ritual, the confidence necessary to hold the title of man can be achieved. There are many ways to achieve the status of “man”… I just never found a way to (or lacked a strong desire to) accomplish any of them.
Some guys are able to pass into manhood by serving in the military. In the military, some guys are broken down from their positions as children and then built back up into men. Other guys are just screwed up for life by joining the military; it messes up who they were and creates someone new that isn’t necessarily a man but is nothing like the person they were before (often not for the better).
My only attempt at the military was applying to get into either the Army or Navy ROTC program at the college I ended up attending (per my dad’s strong suggestion). I interviewed for both and was accepted by neither. They didn’t see me as military material, and so neither did I; that ended any interest I had in anything military.
Some boys are able to earn their way into manhood by the training they do for their future career field. Trade schools, apprenticeships, college, dedicated self-teaching – all of these potentially can serve as the ritual needed to gain manhood… depending on the career field that follows. The career field is just as important as the training. The career field must involve creating, fixing or maintaining something of value to other individuals or to society in general. Scientists, farmers, engineers, tradesmen, doctors, mechanics, craftsmen – men who can create or repair things with their hands or minds – these are real men. These men have specialized skills that they have developed through their training and experience, and these skills are necessary for a functioning society.
I got my college training in business. Nobody becomes a man because he got a business degree.
Some boys are able to find other rituals to pass through to gain the confidence necessary to become a man. Some do it through developing skills through hobbies or activities like sports or music where they have a passion (or a natural inclination), and they become masters of those skills to the point that they have confidence in their abilities and find themselves in a state of manhood.
I was too small to be successful at sports, and the only real hobby I have is Pokémon Go. Pokémon Go may actually steal traces of masculinity from a dude, but I can’t just give it up because… you know… you gotta catch ’em all!
Some boys are able to build their self-confidence through dating rituals with romantic partners. Guy approaches prospective partner, guy is rejected by prospective partner, guy remains calm and moves along to the next prospective partner, not taking the rejection personally. This process continues until the guy turns a prospective partner into a partner. This, I have heard, builds confidence. This process continues until the man finds the partner he intends to spend his life with. This is a way to manhood.
I tried, like, a couple of times to approach a prospective partner, but was quickly rejected each time. I took the rejections very personally, I attributed them to the fact that was an unattractive little boy, and they in no way helped me build my self-confidence. In fact, they had the opposite affect and caused me to give up on any sort of romance in my life for years. Luckily, I was set-up with the woman who would become my wife. She was my first and only girlfriend. And even with her, I didn’t gain confidence. We were, after all, set-up, and I would have never asked her out if not for that initial effort made on the part of others.
Of course, there are many false ways to manhood that boys think will get them there – but they won’t. Revving the engine of your jacked-up pick-em-up truck while your parked beside the fifty-one-year-old dude in his Hyundai Veloster and then burning your tires when the light turns green isn’t the way to manhood. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the way to a future of low-paying jobs and alcoholism… and maybe even a brief stint in county lock-up for roughing up your girlfriend or wife and a guaranteed spot on the Sex Offender Registry. I don’t have any proof of this, but it’s what I think of the douchbag behind the pick-up’s wheel every time it happens to me. Nebraska… it’s not for everyone…
Some people will say that being a man is being a good father, or a good husband, or some other thing that you really don’t have to be a man to do. I’m not going to tell a woman what it means to be a woman, because it’s up to each woman to decide what being a woman is to her. Same with dudes, my definition of manhood doesn’t have to agree with yours. I have my definition of being a man, and I don’t fit that definition. Someone else’s definition is meaningless to me.
So, it’s getting kind of late in the game for me to find my way to manhood, but I’m not too worried about it. Real men are usually kind of assholes, with their stupid self-confidence, high-earning ability and satisfaction with their careers. Who wants to enjoy life that much? Pffft… not me, that’s for sure! I’m perfectly almost semi-content being a 13-year-old boy trapped in a deteriorating 51-year-old body. The meek shall inherit the earth, and I personally feel that this especially applies to human dudes who never reached manhood. We’re the meekest of the meek. Besides, if you really look at the ways that a male can become a man in my writing above, females seem to be surpassing males in many of the areas I discussed. Many women are more of a man than I am, according to my definition of being a man. I know that this may be offensive to women, but real men are closer to being a woman than guys like me. I think women are often amazing, but I like being different than them. I may not be a real man, but real men are more like women, and I sleep pretty soundly holding this little nugget of wisdom…