So, I’m looking for a new gym. I have been going to my current gym for over a year and I love it. It’s close to my house, it’s open 24/7, and it has nice, clean equipment. I thought I had found the perfect gym… until a muscle-bound meathead ruined it for me.
I’m one of those idiots who, you know, acknowledges other people. I go to the gym late in the evening because I don’t like exercising (or doing much of anything else) around other people, but I always acknowledge the others that are there. I know, it doesn’t make sense… part of being a “nice guy” (i.e. loser).
There is this guy at the gym every time I go there. You know the type, 6’4″ with biceps as big as his head, always walking around with a smile on his lips and a look in his eyes like he may very well have a couple of bodies in his trunk. So, I acknowledge this guy every time I walk past him… you know, a smile or a “Hey” or something simple like that. That is about as strong of a relationship as I ever wanted with the guy. Guys like him just reinforce my feelings of inadequacy and make my self-confidence fall a little deeper into the toilet (again, part of being a “nice guy”).
A couple of weeks ago, I finish my time on the elliptical and am heading out the door after another sweat-session that will do nothing to help get rid of my ever-increasing belly fat. This non-gamma-radiated hulk stops me at the door.
“Hey, I see you here every night and thought I should introduce myself,” he says as he proceeds to stick out his hand and tell me his name.
I smile and, hesitantly, tell him my name.
“You know,” he says, “I see you in here all the time and I just wanted you to know that I’m concerned about your health.”
‘Oh f***,’ I think to myself.
“I was wondering if I could talk you into watching a video about something that could change your life,” he says and gives me his best “I’m-just-a-big-teddy-bear-but-I-could-tear-out-your-throat-in-less-than-five-seconds” look.
“Please, just tell me what it is,” I squeak, wondering which level of multi-level-marketing-hell this creature crawled out of. Amway? AdvoCare? Shaklee? Herbalife?
“I can’t explain it nearly as well as the video,” he says. “If I could just get your phone number, I can send you a link.”
… and… I don’t know why… but I gave him my phone number…
“Great,” he says. “I’ll follow-up with you in a couple of days.”
So I watch the video, and it is MLM, and it’s a $50/month “supplement” that is really just like green tea extract and turmeric, and it has no real live-people clinical evidence of anything. It’s one of those things that, if it really did what it said it did, everyone would be taking it and we’d all live forever.
A couple of days later, the guy messages me asking if I had watched the video. I had, but I was actually just pulling into the parking lot of the gym when I received his message. At least I can exercise in peace, right, because he’s obviously not at the gym.
And them I see him… sitting in his car, lights on, car running, like he’s just leaving… and I just sit in my car waiting for him to leave. He got done working out and he got in his car, and he messaged me.
And I wait for him to leave.
And he doesn’t leave.
I’m in a vehicle that I’ve never driven to the gym before, so I know he doesn’t recognize my car, and I just sit there waiting for him to leave.
And he doesn’t leave.
Fifteen minutes go by and he doesn’t leave. The lights go off in his car and the engine turns off.
And I start my car and leave.
I drive home and respond to his message. I message that I’m not interested, he messages that this product is truly a miracle, I message that I’m not interested, he messages that he knows this stuff works and it can increase my life expectancy, I message that he might want to consider pitching this to people who are actually wanting to extend their lives, and he messages that he appreciates my time and if I have any questions just to let him know.
So, we’re through, right? Not even close. Now I know what car this guy drives, so I can avoid the gym any time he is there, right? The problem is… HE’S ALWAYS THERE!
ALWAYS!!!
I like to exercise between 9 and 10 in the evening. That’s just when I like to go. I used to go to the local YMCA, but then they cut their hours and started closing at 9:30pm, so I started going to my current gym. I like going home after work and spending some time with my family, and as they are getting ready for bed, I go workout. I come home and relax for an hour or so and go to bed for a great few hours of sleep. Now I can’t do that.
If I were to continue with my current gym, I’m either going to have to go earlier in the evening (and miss out on family time, which I don’t want to do), or really early in the morning before work (hahaha). So, I need a new gym.
Why did this guy have to approach me? Because I’m too approachable. I’m a short, pudgy, unattractive middle-aged man who always smiles at everyone. Everything about me just screams, “Hey, I won’t tell you to go screw yourself if you try selling your MLM garbage to me because I’m a life-beaten Beta Male!” I need to start being a complete douche. No more smiles. No more acknowledging anyone. Just portray to the world what an angry little troll I really am instead of putting on the pleasant smile to make others more comfortable. But then people might not like me, and that would make me uncomfortable…
I know this is all my fault. I shouldn’t let this guy selling his MLM stuff ruin my gym for me, but it already has. I don’t even wish failure on this muscle-bound dude-bro. If he can make a few extra bucks peddling his snake oil, more power to him. Plus, I could walk into the gym and this guy wouldn’t even say anything to me, but he could walk over to me and try talking about his stupid yellow pill… and I don’t want to deal with that. I will do almost anything to avoid any and all confrontation or feelings of uncomfortableness. “Avoid Everything That Makes You Uncomfortable” is my motto and my creed and explains everything about my current lot in life.
I’m too old to change the way I deal with people or any of the stresses they create in my life. However, I’m not too old to change gyms…
