The garden was especially peaceful on this day. The air was warm and calm as the sun shed it’s midday light amongst the dense, prismatic vegetation. Adam, leaning against a large rock in the shade of a dragon’s blood tree, watched a distant tyrannosaurus rex just outside the garden feed on a wooly mammoth.
‘Glad those things aren’t allowed in the garden,’ thought Adam.
A rustle of brush behind Adam announced the arrival of Eve with the midday meal. Adam loved Eve, and he loved the fruit she harvested for the midday meal each day.
“What’d you bring today, Hon?” Adam asked. “Mango… I hope you brought some mango today.”
“Something even better,” replied Eve, blushing. “I brought something new.”
Adam had never seen Eve blush before. “Why are your cheeks turning red?”
“Uh, ’cause you’re naked,” Eve said. She handed the golden fruit in her hand to Adam and immediately went to the nearest fig tree. Grabbing a couple of fig leaves, she covered her “womanly” parts.
“What are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Try the fruit and you’ll see.”
“Why are you covering the parts of yourself that make you different from me?” Adam asked.
“Try the fruit and you’ll see.”
Adam looked at the golden fruit in his hand. Other than the single bite taken from it, the fruit was unblemished.
“Where did you get this?” Adam asked.
Eve pointed to the south and, realizing that her woman-parts were exposed, quickly put the fig leaf back in its protective position.
“Over there,” Eve said, nodding to the south with her head.
“I’ve been south and I have never seen a fruit like this.”
“Oh, it’s there alright,” Eve said. “The serpent showed it to me.”
“The serpent?” asked Adam. “The freaky long thing with no arms or legs that slithers along the ground with the fangs and stuff?”
“That’s the one.”
“Oh, okay, cool,” said Adam as he started to take a bite. As the fruit approached his lips, his brow began to furrow. The fruit froze inches from his mouth. “Hey, this isn’t from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, is it?”
“Well of course not,” said Eve. “We were expressly forbidden from eating that fruit.”
Adam furrowed his brow further and, hand on hip, glared at Eve.
“Okay, maybe it’s from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”
“Maybe?” asked Adam. “What, you have a death wish or something? We were expressly forbidden from eating this fruit or we will die.”
“Or touching it,” said Eve.
“What’s that?” Adam asked, his eyes growing wide.
“Or touching it,” repeated Eve. “We were forbidden from eating it or even touching it.”
Adam looked from Eve to the fruit in his hand. “Crap.”
“You might as well try it,” Eve said. “You already touched it, so if God is gonna kill me he’s gonna kill you too. You might as well get a taste of it.”
“You lied to me,” Adam said. “You… you…” and because Adam had yet to actually take a bite of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he could think of none of the really good words to scorn her with, “you… stinker!”
Adam looked at the fruit in his hand and, although he had lost his appetite, he took a bite. As the sweet flesh of the fruit burst to juice in his mouth, Adam realized that he was naked. He ran to the fig tree and grabbed a leaf.
“A-HEM!” came from the sky… and the ground… and everywhere.
“Crap,” whispered Adam, “it’s God!” Adam grabbed Eve by the wrist and forced her down in the bushes as he climbed in beside her.
“Why are you hiding?” asked God.
“I heard you coming and didn’t want you to see me naked,” said Adam.
“Who told you you were naked,” asked God. “Have you eaten from the tree I warned you about?”
“This is all your fault,” Adam whispered to Eve, elbowing her in the side. “Yes, but it was the woman you gave me who who brought me some, and I ate it.”
“How could you do such a thing?” Eve felt the voice of God against her flesh as goosebumps rose on her body against the vibrations of His words.
“The serpent tricked me,” she replied.
God rolled His eyes. Then God started doling out punishment for the serpent.
Meanwhile, Adam stared at Eve. Adam was sure that God would take his side on this matter. After all, Adam had been tricked by that stupid Eve to touch the fruit. Eve, succumbing to the long, seductive form of the serpent, had sold them both up the river. ‘Plus, she lied to me,’ thought Adam. Of course, he still took a bite of the forbidden fruit… all on his own with no physical coercion. Like most of the men to follow him, however, Adam decided at this point in time that he was going to do everything within his power to blame every ill in his life on the sex bore of his rib… and all men to follow fell to Adam’s fate.
Adam started to listen to the punishment appropriated for the serpent, and he realized that Eve and all of womankind was being punished just as much as the serpent. God then directed punishment to Eve and all of womankind.
“You shall bear children in intense pain and suffering; yet even so, you shall welcome your husband’s affections, and he shall be your master.”
Adam snickered. Eve was getting her due. Adam felt pardoned; he felt that God had forgiven the sins that Eve had led him to. Adam felt that silly little women was getting her just desserts, and Eve and all of her ilk would, throughout eternity, pay for the dishonest lies of the first woman taken from the rib of the man! Adam smiled.
…and then Adam felt The Shift. The Shift was the formation of two oval-shaped appendages springing suddenly from the groinish-area of Adam’s loin.
“What the…” Adam exclaimed as his hand fell to the new addition of his outward appearance.
“These, dear Adam, in addition to the life of sin and the need for repentance that lie ahead in your and your descendant’s miserable little lives, are a reminder of the affront to My name that you have allowed here today,” said God.
“But Eve…” said Adam.
“Yes, Eve has done much wrong,” said God. “But Eve is also in a vulnerable position when compared to you, my dear Adam. She is not as physically strong as you, and she is more emotionally unstable than you. So, in order to offset the differences between you and her, I am allowing the ‘dropping of the balls’.”
“The dropping of the what?” asked Adam.
“The balls… those things swinging about your fig-leaf-covered groin,” said God.
Adam touched the balls and asked, “Where did they come from?”
“They were attached to the appendix and were a significant force in the ability of humankind to remain immortal,” said God. “They will still play a significant role in the future of humankind, but having organs that were meant to be protected deep inside of the male body suddenly exposed for all of the natural world to rape… oh, woe it is to be ‘man’.”
“Eve and all of womankind are relegated to a position of inferiority and complacency when compared to man. Of course, the feminists will come along and try to disparage these facts,” said God. “The balls will act as an equalizing force in the battle between the sexes. The feminists will see the balls as a sign of repression and weakness and will strike against them. The insecure woman will see the balls as a sign of power through which they will struggle to find their own identity. The average woman will see the balls as a comical extrusion from the male body and America’s Funniest Home Videos will be born!”
“America’s Funniest Home Videos,” whimpered Adam.
“Oh, my son,” laughed God. “The balls will be both your best friend and your worst enemy. And you will provide to all of humankind more laughs through your balls than you could ever, throughout a thousand lifetimes, imagine.”
Adam looked at the protrusion from his groin and whimpered. Surely this all had to be some sort of horrific joke. Suddenly, Eve grabed Adam’s balls with her clenched fist. She tugged once, softly, and said, “You ready to go start our new life of sin together?”
“Screw you!” exclaimed Adam. He was going to have no part of this new life of sin and regret.
Eve squeezed and pulled at the new appendage between her fingers. Nausea fell upon Adam’s being; from the tip of his toes to the top of his head, he felt pain as Eve pulled at his balls and led him in the direction she desired.
And so it has been ever since…
Yeah, probably not entirely Biblically correct, but his is how I see it going down. Much more believable than evolution, isn’t it? 🙂
