craptastic – Page 4 – HappyStinkingJoy

Stinking “Social Network”

So I watched The Social Network last night. My oldest son just turned 13, and he really wanted to see this movie, and this movie is PG-13, so we got it for him for his birthday. If you live in a cave, you might not know that The Social Network is the story of how Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook.

We all enjoyed the movie. I thought they were only able to drop one F-bomb in a PG-13 movie, but it looks like this one was able to get away with a couple. The language and some of the implied sexual content made me a little uncomfortable watching this with my son (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody’s Brenda Song goes all Monica Lewinski in a bathroom stall… which was odd to watch with a boy who has grown up watching that particular show).

Overall, however, this was a good flick. It was kind of cool to see how one of the world’s most addictive on-line presences got its start. It’s kind of funny, the Mark Zuckerberg character is not very likeable, but you just can’t hate him. He is emotionally immature, self-centered, egotistical, arrogant… highly intelligent and hard not to kind of like. He screws over his girlfriend, his best friend, and a group of preppies that are counting on him. In fact, he appears to only have his interests in mind with almost every decision he makes. Still, you can’t help but root for the dorky little jerk. Whether or not the real Mark Zuckerberg is anything like the character played by Jesse Eisenberg, who knows. Not me, for sure. I am neither in the same social strata as young billionaire geniuses nor successful Hollywood actors.

I bet that a lot of people who have not seen this movie (or who haven’t gone to a prestigious college in the last few years) will not know that Facebook was started as an ultra-exclusive, Harvard-student-only website. Quickly, Zuckerberg let it spread to other prestigious universities, and then less prestigious universities, and then, when the true monetary potential of Facebook came into focus… the world. In the original plans for Facebook, us average folks weren’t included.

I remember a few years ago, I had a recent college graduate as a coworker. He had graduated from the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. I had recently started a Facebook account, and I was talking to him about it. He made a comment about how “Facebook just isn’t the same since it isn’t exclusively college students anymore.” I took offense at his statement. I felt he was saying that us old timers and regular Joes were ruining something that had once been “hip” and “fun”. How dare we reconnect with relatives and old friends. How dare we stay in contact with people who would have normally faded silently into our pasts. If I had known then what I know now, I may have said something like, “Yeah, I bet that’s the same thing the preppies at Harvard thought when they started to let a bunch of cornhusker hicks from UNL join Facebook.” Hahaha… sometimes hindsight makes me feel kind of good.

Watching a good movie should do one of two things:

1. let you escape from reality, or

2. make you think.

The Social Network , for me, did both. I enjoyed watching the snotty people get what was coming to them. I enjoyed seeing how Facebook got its slightly-shady start. As far as the thinking goes, it made me wonder why , in the grand scheme of things, some people are smarter than others, thus giving them an unfair advantage in the ability to come up with cool ideas and make a crapload of money. Why am I not one of those brilliant people? I know… I know… anyone can learn anything and you are only limited by your ability to sacrifice and learn and blah blah blah blah… that’s a load of phooey.

**SEE, look at ME, I’m all old using words like PHOOEY, for crying out loud.**

Some people are just naturally smarter than other. Some people have a definite advantage in the race to success. Of course, in the case of the movie versionof Mark Zuckerberg, he kind of screwed over a lot of people to get there. Part of me thinks his sacrifice is not something I could bring myself to do. The other part of me… the sane, rational part… thinks that for a net worth of that is now probably in the tens of billions of dollars, I may have screwed over a friend or two along the way as well 🙂 But since I ain’t real smart or nothin’, I’ll just keep tryin’ the way I have been tryin’ most my life…

Dr. Joyce Brothers, AKA, Ms. In-Her-Own-World!

Okay, so I’m reading through the local paper, the Scottsbluff Star-Herald, when I come across the wonderful advice column of Dr. Joyce Brothers. Now, I’m a few days behind on reading the newspaper because… well, I just am. So this is actually the paper from January 29th of this year. I usually read Dr. Brothers’ column, think to myself how silly her advice is, and go on my merry way. Her column in this particular paper, however, just seemed to rub me the wrong way.

The question to Dr. Brothers is from a high-school senior who wants to get a job. The kid refers to herself (or himself) as P.A. P.A.’s dad does not want P.A. to get a job. The reasoning P.A. gives is, “I am planning on working at a beauty salon after I graduate, and my dad says that is soon enough to join the ‘rat race.’ His only reason seems to be that he wants me to have fun while I can. Is this normal?”

Dr. Brothers gives a response and answer to the question, part of which is as follows:

“It may be normal for your dad, because he’s operating from his unique worldview and trying hard to keep within that comfort zone that he has set up for himself. Without knowing more about him, I can only guess that he has had to struggle in his life, and that he views work as something that isn’t very pleasant, just a means to an end. He sounds like a conscientious guy who has sacrificed for his family. He can’t imagine you being all grown up and wanting to take on the responsibilities of a job just yet. He’s definitely got some issues.”

Seriously… what the crap… huh? I guess all of this seems to make sense… until you get to that last sentence. “He’s definitely got some issues.” Is that a typo? Was that supposed to be “He’s definitely got a point”? I don’t think it was. I think Dr. Joyce is casting judgement on this father because of his view of “work”. Do most people in our society not at least somewhat share the worldview of this father? After all, it’s called “work”, not “playtime in LaLa Land”.

I don’t think most people wake up every morning and think to themselves, “Ah, another wonderful day of work!” Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. I really believe that most people view work as a means to an end… hopefully it has something to do with retirement. This doesn’t mean that everyone absolutely hates their jobs; but given the choice, I think most people could find something more enjoyable to do with their time than work a job. Dr. Brothers apparently does not fall into the category of “most people”.

I understand that there are people out there who absolutely love what they do for a living. Those people are few and far between. I think most of us can remember back to the days before we had to work a job. Those were, for the most part, less stressful and more enjoyable than time spent in the work-a-day world. Why would the father, remembering back to his pre-work days and wanting his child to enjoy those days in the child’s life, have “issues”? What a judgmental opinion to express! How dare she!

Dr. Brothers needs to wake up and smell the we-don’t-all-get-to-make-a-living-handing-out-our-opinions-as-advice-coffee. There are those of us who have slight trepidation at the thought of how our children will be forced to change when they enter the work-a-day world. It’s not about not wanting our children to grow up. It’s all about how so many of us become cynical, bitter old farts because of the crap we are forced to deal with in life, a large portion of which comes from dealing with “work”, and we don’t want our children to go through what we have gone through.

That’s not an “issue”. That is a point… and a damn good one.

Besides, the kid is planning on a career at a beauty salon. You can’t tell me that working with other people’s stinky heads all day is going to be pleasant? This father is really just trying to look out for the kid 🙂

Another New Themed-Header :)

Once again, the Tainted Butterfly, has come through with a holiday themed header for my blog. Thanks!

I know… I know… January isn’t even half-way over and I have a Valentine’s Day thing going on. If Walmart can do it, so can I. And I know… I know… hearts and flowers and crap seem kind of sappy, but I like the way my turd seems to have the hots for the floating heart. Ahhh, young love, is there anything that makes you want to gouge your eyes out more?

Stinking Facebook!

Facebook: a wondrous social networking site that enables people to connect with, reconnect with, share with, support, and live vicariously through one another. I have befriended people I haven’t really thought of since grade school. I also have come to find out that, as much as people change, we all have certain aspects of our personalities that remain the same in adulthood as they were in childhood… especially our senses of humor. Facebook can be a great thing.

Facebook can also suck. Facebook is a world unto itself. We manage relationships on Facebook differently than we handle real, live relationships in the non-Internet world. Sometimes, however, the line between on-line relationships and off-line relationships is blurred. I like to think of myself as the kind of guy who doesn’t really care what the vast majority of people think of him. I like to think that I really don’t care if I piss someone off. I like to think… not often, but sometimes…

I am trying to come to terms with unfriending on Facebook. It’s kind of funny, I don’t believe “unfriending” was even a word until online social networks came into existence. … and it sounds so harsh. UNFRIEND! This is the ending of a relationship. This is making a proclamation that the person you are unfriending is no longer someone you want to stay connected with in the online world.

Have I ever unfriended someone? Well, to be honest, I have. I went through a phase where I was adding friends left and right. I was friending friends’ friends, I was friending people I barely knew, and I was friending people I didn’t have the foggiest about except they played the same games I used to play on Facebook (Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, etc.) My friend-adding rampage was back when I was first getting this blog started. I figured the more “friends” that I had, the more people who would click the occasional link to this blog that I shared on Facebook… and the more people that I could share my wickedly funny sense of humor with… or something. And then I started to realize that people who don’t actually know me might not get my sense of humor. I tend to be slightly sarcastic and, maybe, a little cynical. Not everyone can relate. One of the cool things about my friend-requesting rampage is that I found some people that I barely know in “real life”, or that I really don’t know at all, who have some remarkable things to say from time to time, or are just kind of fun to keep up with (the whole “living vicariously” thing). I have found people who “get” my sense of humor, make smart-assy comments back to me, and make some pretty smart-assy posts of their own! These people are all still my Facebook friends. A few months after my rampage, I started going through all of these new friends that had accepted me for whatever reason. I started to to feel kind of stupid for having so many friends who I knew absolutely nothing about. The dude in England who was an excellent vampire in Vampire Wars really didn’t probably care that I was ready to turn 40… and probably never clicked on my links… plus he was taking up a ton of my homepage with all of his vampire-ish accomplishments. This was the point where I went through a lot of unfriending. I removed everyone who was just a gaming friend, and I removed everyone who I thought might be annoyed by my posts, comments, or shared links. And then the guilt set in: the guilt that maybe some of those people that I unfriended actually liked being my Facebook friend… that even though I never heard from them in comments or relevant posts, they will miss me and feel slighted that I had unfriended them. I felt bad… and, at times, I still do.

I still have way too many friends on Facebook. There are still some who I have no contact with who are pretty much just taking up space in my list of friends. But I figure, “Hey, if they want out, they can bail.” Whether I lose those “friends” on a regular basis or not, I don’t know because I really don’t miss them when they’re gone.

What gets me is the people I know, who I actually personally know, who I have been Facebook friends with (and I assumed at least “acquaintances” with offline), who I don’t believe I have ever said anything to personally offend… who all of a sudden show up in my “people you may know” list, and Facebook points out that I can “Add as friend” these people who were … I thought… already friends (at least they didn’t completely block me, I guess).

“Hey, wait a second… we already were friends. What happened?” And of course, the first thing to go through my head is, “What did I do… and I’m sorry?!?” I have no clue what I did to drive this friend away, but something happened to our online relationship that led them to horrifyingly unfriend me. The kicker is, how do you overcome the unfriending on Facebook when you see this person face-to-face in real life again? They made a statement that they want nothing to do with your jokey-little-ass on Facebook (where they can actually block you from certain aspects of your Facebook presence and theirs and still keep the friendly relationship), so why in the world would they actually want to even share the same breathing space with you in person? I can’t imagine that they would. It’s like a real human relationship has been decided by the click of one little link on Facebook: “Remove from friends”.

What’s funny is, in the real world, you may lose a friendship, but you usually know why it ended. No one is going to come up to you in person and say, “I’m removing you from my friends… please have nothing to do with me ever again,” without you having a question or two. Online, it just seems kind of creepy to send a message to someone who recently unfriended you, “Hey, what happened… why’d you drop me?”

For me, I just try to think that maybe they accidentally hit the “Remove from friends” link. I could message them (or ask them in person) why for with the unfriending hostility… and if it was a mistake, they can say, “Oh, man, I didn’t mean to unfriend you… I’ll send you another invite and we can be friends again!” Of course, I think I’d rather just suspect that the removal was an accident on their part and… someday… they will notice the mistake and request my friendship again. We all know better, but I gotta do what I can for my self-esteem 😉

I know that being a smart-ass and a cynic and depressingly funny at times can turn people off. When I started this blog, I knew a few (or many more) people would be turned-off by what I was going to write. I didn’t set out to make friends with my happy-stinking-joy attitude. I guess my attitude here spills over onto my Facebook account from time to time (or, all the time).

With a blog, if people disagree with you, or think you’re a jerk, or wish you would get run over by a steamroller, they can leave a comment or send you an email telling you what an ass you are. They usually just don’t go to your blog again.

With Facebook, if people disagree with you, or think you’re a jerk, or wish you would get run over by a steamroller, they can also leave a comment or send you a message telling you what an ass you are. Because Facebook is a little more personal than a blog, for some people, unfriending must be a little less sloppy way to say they’ve had enough 🙂

Getting unfriended on Facebook is something I just need to do a better job of coming to terms with… but it makes me want to write in my online outlets how I really feel sometimes. Oh yeah… that’s right… I’ve been doing a PG-13 version of the Happy Stinking Joy of life, while a R (or maybe even NC-17) version would help me feel like I’m getting more off my chest. I’m gonna keep it at PG-13, however… ’cause I can’t stand losing those stinking Facebook friends…

The Death of Mrs. Dryer: A Love Story?

We had to replace our dryer. Our old dryer just pooped-out. She had been in a state of deteriorating health for quite some time, but we have put up with her “quirks” because… well… she was our dryer. When the wife and I were married over 16 years ago, one of the first major purchases we made was a washer and dryer.

I can remember shopping for her (the dryer… not the wife… although I vaguely remember that as well). We went to every place in town, trying to get a good deal. We looked at all sorts of off-name brands, but we ended up going with Kenmore from Sears. I don’t remember the exact reasoning behind why we purchased this particular brand, but I know I have felt confident that we made the right choice. I have never looked at our washer and dryer and thought, ‘We made a mistake by going cheap.’ We considered buying our washer at one store and our dryer at another. “Matching appliances” that were to end up in the basement or the laundry room or the spare bedroom were never a big concern for us. However, the particular washer and dryer that we purchased in our first year of marriage just… well… they just seemed to go together, kind of like a newly-wed couple.
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Mr. Washer and Mrs. Dryer have been with the wife and me through thick and thin. Whether they were cleaning the bedding and lingerie of a newly-wed couple, sitting in storage while the wife and I hopped apartments in Denver, cleaning the tiny clothes of our firstborn, cleaning dog hair off of everything after we received our family’s first dog, cleaning up the spit-up of our second-born, cleaning up the spit-up of our second-born, cleaning up the spit-up of our second-born (oh, the joys of a RSV-prone and mucous-filled child), or preparing the daily garb of a laundry-producing family of four people and one dog in present day; Mr. Washer and Mrs. Dryer have always tried to be good to us. I have spent many a late night sitting downstairs watching T.V. or pecking on the computer, while Mr. Washer scrubs the whites and Mrs. Dryer fluffs the darks.

Listening to the two of them in harmony could be quite … err… interesting?!? While Mr. Washer went into spin cycle and Mrs. Dryer tumbled her load round-and-round, there unison motions often caught my attention. Mr. Washer would spin, slowly at first, and then faster and faster, shaking the stillness of the basement with his urgency. Mrs. Dryer kept the same unison pace throughout, yet I sensed that they were working toward a common goal. Finally, Mr. Washer, at a frenzied speed in search of some extraordinary outcome… stopped spinning. I could tell he was spent. Mrs. Dryer usually continued on, searching for her own “mission complete” banner. Every once in awhile, the two of them would reach their goal at the same time: Mr. Washer’s final spin cycle quickly grinding to a halt as Mrs. Dryer’s buzzing high-pitched alarm screamed that her load was complete. It was kind of exotic and erotic, in a very blue-collar and… uh… pervy kind of way… probably like the erotic encounters of most married couples 🙂

Mr. Washer started having issues a little over a year ago. He really wobbled when he went into the spin cycle, and we knew that something was wrong. Finally, he just gave out. Every time I tried to start a new load, he would just hum. I tried my best to get him working on my own… which, with my mechanical expertise, resulted in several swift kicks to his nether-regions.
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Mrs. Washer did not seem to approve.
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Nothing I did (i.e. no matter how hard I kicked) worked. We finally called an appliance repairman. Like $50 later, some doohickey was replaced and Mr. Washer has been working like a champ ever since!
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Mrs. Dryer has been in a state of decline ever since we moved into our new house over two years ago. It seems her heating element has been going out… or something. It used to be that we could throw a wet load into her and, within a multitude of mere minutes, she would have it dry. Recently, it would take a second, and sometimes third, cycle to actually remove all moisture from a load of clothes. Apparently, she had come down with something… something terminal. Finally, a few nights ago, she wouldn’t work at all. I threw a load of wet mass into her, closed her door, pushed the “start” button, and… nothing.
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Crap!

I figured, initially, that this was something I could fix… given my exemplary track-record with fixing major appliances and all. I gave her several swift kicks. Although the kicks did nothing to spur her into action, I did seem to notice several sever looks-of-reproach from Mr. Washer.
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Ignoring the ire of her spouse, I decided to perform a little surgery.

I think I’ve already mentioned this, but my mechanical skills are a little lacking. I blame my lack of ability on the fact that I don’t have the proper tools. Convincing the wife that I needed to add to my haphazard tool collection, I headed to… Walmart… and bought a multimeter. Armed with the necessary tool to assess Mrs. Washer’s condition, I started the procedure.

First, I tested the actual outlet she plugged into. As the multimeter’s needle sprung to action with the insertion of the red thingie and the black thingie into the slots that we are taught from early childhood not to stick anything into, my heart raced. I realized that between my fingers raced enough electricity to kill the average mortal. Feeling slightly immortal through my discovery, I proceeded to the removing-of-the-screws on the back of Mrs. Dryer. Leaving the appliance plugged in, I proceeded to test this and that… not knowing exactly what I was testing, but feeling exilerated that I was playing with something with which I shouldn’t. Not finding a clue as to the current condition plaguing Mrs. Washer, I unplugged her, turned the multimeter device to the “ohm” setting, and continued with my examination.

The ohm setting apparently tests the connection through different electrical components of a system without the necessity of outside electricity… or something. The multimeter’s AA battery provides everything one needs. All of a sudden, I’m not a general surgeon… I’m a “specialist”, as I test this component and that. I become increasingly disheartened as my search proves more and more futile. The wife recommends that we just purchase a new dryer. I remind the wife that Mr. Washer was fixed for next-to-nothing and recommend that we try the same with Mrs. Dryer. The wife points out that the average appliance lasts about 15 years, Mrs. Dryer is over said 15 years, and that we could really use a dryer with a little more capacity to dry our increasing quantity of clothes and linen-type-stuff as our boys grow. Feeling like I had let Mrs. Dryer (and Mr. Washer as well) down, I somberly agree. Mrs. Washer has fulfilled her purpose and her time had past…
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Mr. Dryer was devastated…
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After quick visits to all of the major local appliance places, we settle on a nice Maytag that Home Depot was offering at clearance prices. We brought her home, plugged her in, and tried her out. She works great. She gets hotter than Mrs. Dryer ever did. The new dryer is sleek, shiny, and has great capacity. We like her a lot. She may have been “cheap”, but you could never tell that from her appearance!
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Okay, maybe her appearance screams “cheap”… but only in the softest of screams.

At first, I was afraid that Mr. Washer would hold some contempt towards our newest appliance. However, I think he’s coming around 🙂
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In fact, this is the happiest I have seen Mr. Washer in a long time. His spin cycle seems to be a little faster and he cleans better than he has in years… and I can’t quite seem to figure out why…
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Appliances… go figure?

A Breakfast With Govenor Dave

This past Friday, I had the honor and the privilege of attending Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman’s Pre-legislative breakfast at the wonderful Gering Civic Center… or something. I was excited that my boss asked me to go, ’cause I figured I could get some good crap for my blog there, and I did.

Dave Heineman is the Republican governor of Nebraska (because Nebraska is ruled by Republicans who vote for Republicans no matter what that Republican really stands for). I am registered as a Republican, but I consider myself more of a So-Stinking-Fed-Up-With-Politics-That-My-Head-Is-Ready-To-Explode-ian” (wish that party existed). Governor Dave has made all kinds of promises to the people (i.e. voters) of western Nebraska and has followed through on so few of them, that I figured this little morning affair would be entertaining. I wasn’t overly disappointed… well, except for the food.

It cost $15 for a member of the Scottsbluff/Gering Chamber of Commerce members to attend this event (more if not a member). The food was provided by The Meat Shoppe. The Meat Shoppe provides all food to all events held at the Gering Civic Center… it’s like part of some contract or something. Many people hold things like wedding receptions and anniversary parties in this location… and if you want food, The Meat Shoppe has to provide it. Needless to say, food from The Meat Shoppe usually isn’t overly spectacular, and Governor Heineman’s event was no exception. Bland scrambled eggs, generic waffles, very greasy sausage patties, and even greasier hash browns were the only food available, and not a bottle of ketchup nor Tabasco were anywhere to be seen.

I recently attended a soiree (see how fancy I’m getting… “affair”… “soiree”… living the high life here in Craphole, Nebraska) for Miss Nebraska that was at the Gering Civic Center. Of course, the food was provided by The Meat Shoppe. Dinner consisted of semi-barbecued crap (chicken and beef), a potato casserole… or something like that (very elegant?!?), coleslaw (best thing they served), and a basket of rolls on each table. Well, our table had 10 people (which almost every table held), and there were 10 rolls in each basket. I like rolls. I usually have 2 or 3 rolls with any meal I eat. One of the rolls from our basket was dropped on the floor, so there was one person at our table who was roll-less. When one of the table-picker-uppers came by (’cause there are no wait-people with The Meat Shoppe… just people who keep asking you if you are done yet), I asked if, perhaps, we could get some more rolls, because one had dropped to the floor. I wanted more, and I know that others did as well… plus there was the one dude who didn’t even get one. The table-picker-upper said, “I’ll check,” and she disappeared. She came back about 5 minutes later and asked, rather snottily, “So, who is it that needs a roll?” Well, no one (including myself) had the balls to say “ME” (including the dude who didn’t get one because one fell to the floor), so the table-picker-upper kind of looked at me like I was a problem-child because I had made the request, and she stormed off… and we were roll-less for the rest of the evening. Seriously, how flipping expensive can those stinking rolls be that you can’t bring out another stinking basket?

My oldest son isn’t a huge barbecue fan, but we talked him into attending this event because we thought it would be… informative or something. The poor kid is starving and was really looking forward to another roll, from which we were banned. The wife looks at the boy and says, “Hold onto your fork and spoon for dessert.” At least he has dessert to look forward to, right? Well, about 5 minutes after refusing to bring us another basket of rolls, the wench from The Meat Shoppe says to the boy, “Are you done with that,” pointing to his plate? He nods. And then she adds, “Go ahead and give me your silverware, too, ’cause there ain’t any dessert or anything.” The boy didn’t weep openly or anything, but I could tell he wanted to. “We’ll pick up something from McDonald’s on our way home,” I reassured him… but we didn’t. Stupid Meat Shoppe. No customer service (at least if you are not the one paying the final bill) and crappy food. I’m sure they were offering a discounted rate or something, because the whole night was a fundraiser for Miss Nebraska to go to the Miss USA thingie in Las Vegas, so I have a feeling that The Meat Shoppe was pitching in (at least they better have been), but come on… if you’re gonna give… GIVE a little dessert. The Meat Shoppe: something to avoid in the Craphandle of Nebraska!

Well… I guess I kind of got sidetracked there, didn’t I? The Meat Shoppe, as you can probably tell, isn’t my favorite and is well deserving of the three-paragraph tirade I afforded it… but it’s my blog, so if you don’t like it, leave. Or stay, because I get back to Governor Heineman here shortly.

Back to Governor Heineman (see, I told you it would be shortly 🙂 ). After the crowd at the Gering Civic Center had forced down the greasy goop that was passed-off as breakfast, Governor Dave got up and gave a little “state of the state” address. I’m going to be doing some quotes from the Governor, and I just want to be all upfront with the fact that the quotes aren’t really “quotes” but more of a paraphrasing/making-stuff-up kind of thing… you know, just trying to give you my biased “gist” of what Dave was trying to say. It’s not like I was taking notes or anything, and this was days ago. After all, I write a little blog… it’s not like I’m a journalist or anything. His speech was all kitty cats and butterflies.

“Nebraska has a 4% unemployment rate… one of the best in the nation.”

“Nebraska has, in a few short years, moved from 45th best to 29th best in attractiveness of taxes charged to businesses… making us a lot more attractive to businesses than we used to be.”

“Everything I do is AWESOME and, even though I am much shorter in person than I’m sure you would suspect, I am the best governor this state has ever had… blah blah blah blah…”

… you get the picture.

So, after the little pep talk about how great things are for the state of Nebraska since good old Dave has been governor, he asks the audience if there are any questions. About a bazillion hands flew up. And Dave took each and every question from every person who wanted to ask a question. You notice that I stated he “took” every question, because, to be 100% honest, I don’t think he actually answered any of the questions posed to him.

voter: “Mr. Governor, the Heartland Expressway is a priority to the people in the panhandle. Once completed, it will link Rapid City to Denver with our community being right in the middle of all of that trade and traffic. When campaigning before the election, you said you would make completion of this project a priority, but there seems to be little if any progress. What are you doing about the Heartland Expressway?”

Governor Dave: “The Heartland Expressway is a priority of mine. I am committed to seeing it come to fruition. Next question?”

another voter: “Yeah, uh, Governor, we are seeing an exodus of people leaving our rural communities. Many of these people are young people who leave to attend college and never come back. The more urban portions of the state are seeing growth while our rural communities are drying up and blowing away. More quality business and quality jobs in our rural communities could help retain our most precious resource: our people. What, if anything, are you doing to help slow or stop this population migration?”

Governor Dave: “Hell, I wouldn’t want to live out here in the sticks, why would our youth be any different? Ya’ll are a bunch of nincompoops for wanting to live out in this desolate wasteland in the first place”… wait a second… that isn’t what Governor Dave said… that’s what I was thinking… sorry 🙂

Governor Dave: “My responsibility as governor is to see to it that the state doesn’t lose population, which it’s not. The fact that the urban areas are seeing growth and rural areas are seeing decline means that urban areas are doing something right… and you’re not. Next question?”

Yet another voter from western Nebraska: “Yes, Governor, wind energy is going to play a major part of our country’s energy supply in the near future. Wind farms are booming in Colorado and Wyoming, and wind is one of the few things western Nebraska has an abundance of. Why are we not seeing wind energy development in our area? Like with ethanol production, are tax incentives being offered to get wind energy off the ground in Nebraska?”

Governor Dave: “Wind energy is good, but, you know, the wind always blows when you don’t want it to, and it doesn’t blow when you need it to. Hahaha! Wind energy has a future in western Nebraska. Next question?”

…and on and on and on…

… seriously…

The only thing I learned from my attendance at the Pre-legislative breakfast with Governor Dave Heineman is this: I could be governor!

I think that wind energy is good!

I can tell people who voted for me that their problems aren’t my responsibility!

I can say that the Heartland Expressway is a priority of mine !

Man, at times I doubt I have any real worth to society. Little did I realize… I apparently have every skill necessary to be governor of the great state of Nebraska!

WEB SCAVENGER HUNT: #1

UPDATE: 10/28/2010: WE HAVE A WINNER… TO BE ANNOUNCED SOON!!!

PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE INTRODUCTION AND INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE BEGINNING SCAVENGER HUNT!!!

INTRODUCTION:

The first ever Happy Stinking Joy Web Scavenger Hunt begins RIGHT NOW! The first (and only) prize is a t-shirt made with my semi-gay, semi-grotesque logo thrown on the front. The t-shirt is available in a multitude of colors and sizes, including and limited to “white” and “X-large”.

The scavenger hunt is relatively simple. Further down in this post, you will find a list of 20 links to websites and questions regarding information that can be found on those websites. The first person to get me the correct answers to the questions I have asked will win the t-shirt. Pretty cool, huh?

INSTRUCTIONS:

Answers to the questions must be submitted via the “Tiny Contact Form” found on my website. For example, if question #1 is “What color is red?” and question #2 is “What color is green?”, you would click on the links provided. When you scour the site and discover the answers to the questions, you would go to my “Tiny Contact Form”, type your name, your email address, and put “Scavenger Hunt” as the subject. In the message portion of the form, you would put something like the following:

“1. red” (’cause that’s the color of red)

“2. green” (’cause that’s the color of green)

…and so on and so forth, until you have answers to all of the questions. Some will be relatively easy and some will relatively hard. Some of you may feel tempted to try to find answers to the questions at sites other than the sites found through the links provided: do so at your own risk! Although the answers on the sites I provide may be found in other places… or may be incorrect on the sites I provide… I am looking for very specific information from the sites provided, and only these answers will be correct for this scavenger hunt… period! The first person who gets all of the correct answers submitted to me through my Tiny Contact Form wins the shirt. I will contact the winner via email to get his or her shipping address to ship the shirt to. I will use the “time received” notification from my Outlook as the final determining time for awarding the prize. I reserve the right to eliminate any entry for any reason whatsoever, including, but not limited to: spelling errors, partially complete answers, and whatever else comes to mind now or later. Any owners, authors, or employees of any of the websites used in this scavenger hunt are ineligible from winning any prizes (but, feel free to participate in the hunt just for fun). The winner agrees to let me publish his or her name and region of the country (for this scavenger hunt, I’m limiting it to residents of the United States only… international shipping isn’t something I’m interested in getting into at this point) on happystinkingjoy.com, and it would be cool if the winner would send me an email picture of him/herself wearing the shirt-prize to post as well, but I’m only requesting… not demanding…

I will list the results of the scavenger hunt within 48 hours of receiving the winning submission. Thank you to everyone who is checking this out. I hope you all have fun, and I wish you all the best of luck!

Okay, are we ready? Let’s get set! GO!!!

1. On this home school blog , there are some very useful product reviews… including one for The Handbook of Vintage Remedies. By what percentage is the immune system lowered by the intake of sugar products, and for up to how long?

2. Jokes are always fun, if not always funny. On this joke site , there is a bar joke about Sadar. He walks into a New York bar, listens to a conversation, and says something. What does he say? Yeah, I know… I don’t get it either 🙂

3. This NFL team sucks in almost every imaginable way, but they do have one thing going for them… and that thing involves pom poms 😉 The 2011 Swimsuit Calendar for these hotties was shot on location in Mexico; what is the name of the stretch of Mexican coastline where it was shot?

4. This website offers advice for the average schmo to gain control of his or her finances. Many people will testify as to the difference that this website and program have made in their financial lives. So, with that in mind, what did Pamela S. from Georgia find her credit rating at after implementing some of this program’s advice?

5. The poignant poem “Mullet Inspiration” by Jill and Nichole H. found at this site is not only a rhyming masterpiece (seriously, even though it doesn’t always make sense, it rhymes), but the love the narrator has for mullets cannot be denied. Since what year has the narrator been growing his/her mullet?

6. This bizarre site offers some interesting ways to look at life. The author of this site has some very stringent recommendations for a healthy diet. In fact, if you get your Chakras all in alignment and whatnot, you may not need actual food at all. The author of this sight states that there are humans living today who receive their sustenance entirely from what non-food? See, why couldn’t the person who wrote the Sadar joke have had a sense of humor like this?

7. The site for our local library encourages visitors to become “friends of the library”. How much would it cost an individual to have a lifetime membership as a “friend”?

8. Who doesn’t think motorcycle racing is cool? I think motorcycle racing is cool, and so does this site. In fact, this site is so into motorcycle racing that it has an “Official Car”?!? Really, I ain’t kidding! What is the “Official Car” of this motorcycle racing site?

9. Ahh… a fellow blogger. This site is funny (some of it is adult humor). A depressed chick making her way through life, what could be funnier… except maybe a dude dealing with a mid-life crisis, but I digress. Her family includes a dog named Coco. What kind of dog is Coco?

10. Who can’t get enough of LOLcats? Yeah, I’ve had enough too. However, there is a site that not only has the disgustingly cute LOLcat pictures, but it has some pretty cool merchandise available! There’s this t-shirt… hahaha… about Pluto… hahaha… that starts, “Silly Pluto”… hahaha… what is the rest of the saying on the shirt?

Alrighty, boys and girls, you’re half way home! Time to relax, maybe take a breather. That first half wasn’t so bad, now was it? Ten down and ten to go, right? Go grab a soda pop and a slice of cold pizza from the fridge… except there is probably someone who has already moved on… and YOU WANT THAT STUPID T-SHIRT… SO THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! GET YOUR BUTT MOVING, SOLDIER! WHAT ARE YOU: A SPINELESS JELLYFISH, DRIFTING SLOWLY IN THE OCEAN WHILE LIFE & OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU BY… OR ARE YOU A TRUE ADVENTURER ? BTW, the links may be a little more difficult to find in the second half of the hunt 😀

11. This next website is by another fellow blogger… but she has only written a couple of posts and her site seems (thus far) to focus on the “stinking” part of life that I attempt to make fun of in my blog. Check out this butterfly’s blog, because her inspiration to start her blog (which she needs to write in WAY more often) is AWESOME! She writes of the blogger who inspired her to start her own blog, and she writes that he and his blog are full of “_____, _____ and _____”. Surprisingly, none of the answers begin with “s” and end with “t”, but filling in the three blanks is the answer to this question.

12. Okay, on to a musical siren’s site. Okay, she isn’t really a siren in the “musical” sense (’cause her singing isn’t really that good)… more in the “seductress” sense of Greek mythology, but whatever! Whoever said “blondes have more fun” hasn’t, apparently, checked-out many non-blondes! On this site, you will discover that the singer is going to be in a fashion show on November 30th of this year. What is the name of the sexy fashion show? Double whammy… second part of the question: what is the location where will she be performing live on April 5, 2011 (it’s almost like my hometown).

13. This movie was okay… just okay… but I feel some sort of personal connection to the main character… probably because I’m a major stud… or not. What is the main character’s full name (first name, middle initial, and last name)?

14. WOW… talk about an ADVENTURER ! This Nebraska entrepreneur (the husband of a husband-and-wife team) holds a world record for traveling over 5300 miles in 43 days using what mode of transportation (manufacturer and model are part of the answer)?

15. I had this site commented as a suggestion on my blog post asking for suggestions for websites to use in this scavenger hunt… or some other such confusing, seemingly run-on sentence. When I first visited the site, I thought ‘Way too chickie and feminine for me to admit I had read it and found some meaningless tidbit of info to use in the hunt’… then I noticed Charlie. Charlie is pretty cool. The blogger/photographer/whatever wrote a post about Charlie and had a picture of him in a bath of light. She made a very profound statement about Charlie. She says that there is this pattern for beings like Charlie… you have to, from time to time, be there and welcome them with open arms. ‘Cause the Charlies of the world tend to realize that they’re __________ again. Fill in the blank.

16. This site is pretty cool. A coworker of mine is a co-owner of this site (in fact, almost all of my coworkers have their own websites… we work at an Internet company, so we’re kinda geeky like that… and 4 of my coworkers’ sites appear in this hunt). One of the DJs conducted an interview with the lovely Joy Whitlock. In that interview, Joy discusses the meaning of the word “beautiful”. In the interview, Joy states that when she thinks of the word “beautiful”, she immediately thinks of _______. Fill it in.

17. This blogger, in one of his posts, touches discusses exactly how fast we need our Internet to be. If you really think about it, the Internet speed we actually need to increase the quality of our lives isn’t nearly as fast as one may think. In fact, according to this blogger (who uses as an example the world class broadband connections of South Korea), ultra-fast speeds often are little more than an enabler for online-gaming addition. In South Korea, there may already be an entire generation of kids turning into ______ _______. Fill in the blanks.

18. I like short stories. So, here we go. This particular story is one of my all time favorites. The answer will be in three parts, and you can just separate the answers with commas on my Tiny Contact Form. For the Lottery, who assembled first? Who is the oldest man in town? Who selected “… a stone so large she had to pick it up with both hands…”?

19. People often ask me why I’m so hard on the Craphandle of Nebraska. What is it about the Scottsbluff, NE area that drives me so absolutely nuts? Well, anyone who spends a little time at Walmart will be injected with all of the negative energy that this place puts off. Don’t want to visit Walmart, then stop in the local Verizon store when it first opens in the morning and count how many f*bombs you hear come from the mouths of people waiting in line. Many people in this area seem to feel a sense of entitlement, and when they don’t get exactly what they want exactly when they want it, they want everyone within ear-shot to know exactly how upset they are. That kind of negativity tends to rub off. If the negative energy isn’t enough, there is the fact that wages aren’t exactly stellar… which probably leads to the negative energy flying off of so many of the residents here. The organization that offers this website attempts (very poorly, in my opinion) to bring new businesses to the Craphandle. On this site, the economic development association provided some census-style data. Included in this data is a snapshot of data from Scotts Bluff County. According to the snapshot from 2008, what is the per capita income for the average resident in Scotts Bluff County. If you are thinking that this number cannot be right, this figure is about half of what the average individual in the United States made in 2008 (according to http://bber.unm.edu/econ/us-pci.htm) Also, from this same 2008 snapshot, which household income level finds the largest number of households resting in its range? Yes, this is a two-part question with two answers… and yes, it is a shock anyone wants to call this place home.

20. Best blog on the Internet… PERIOD… or not. Man Toes seem to be an issue for this blogger. What is the name of the restaurant where preppy-boy-freak-long-toe and Mr. 65+ almost ruined the consumption of World-Class pizza?

That’s it… that’s all! Thanks for checking it out, and I hope you had fun 🙂

Stinking Technology!

Isn’t technology amazing? Hasn’t it made daily life so much easier? Nothing reduces stress like modern technology!

First-thing on a typical Monday morning in Tech Support:

Me: Thanks for calling tech support, how can I help you?

Little old lady on Phone (lol): My internet isn’t working.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Let’s see if we can’t get it fixed for you.

Instant Message from new co-worker (im1): Hey, why would someone’s dealie tell them their network cable is unplugged?

Me: How long has your Internet not been working?

Me: What dealie?

Instant Message from old co-worker (im2): I got a weird one. this guy can’t see anything on his screen.

lol: It hasn’t worked all morning.

im1: I don’t know, the little dealie in the bottom corner of the monitor.

Me: What do you mean “can’t see anything”?

Me: So it was working yesterday?

Instant Message from boss (im3): Did you get that equipment ordered?

im2: the screen is completely blank.

Me: Did you have them check their network cable?

lol: I didn’t use it yesterday.

Me: What equipment?

Text Message from the wife (text1): Can u grab a gallon of milk after work?

Me: The blue screen of death?

im3: the routers for the Schergenrader installation.

Me: When is the last time you used it?

im2: What network cable?

Me: Yeah, how come?

im2: no, it’s completely black

lol: I haven’t used it for a couple of weeks.

Me: I don’t know anything about the Scherkenderfer installation.

text1: I have to pick the boy up from school and won’t have time.

Me: The network cable going into the back of the computer from her router.

Me: What do you see on your screen right now?

im3: Maybe I forgot to tell you about it. I need you to order 3 routers, next day, for the Schergenrader installation tomorrow.

Me: Are you sure there is power to the monitor?

Text Message from the boy (text2): Can u pk me up aftr skwl?

im1: OK, I’ll have her check that.

lol: Nothing.

Me: I’d have to order in the next 10 minutes to get it guaranteed by tomorrow.

im2: she says it is plugged in.

im1: The cable is connected, but the lights on her router aren’t on.

Me: I thought your mom was gonna pick you up.

text2: Mom g2 p u milk or sumtin

Me: So, your screen is just blue?

im3: Yeah, we really need them. I’d order them, but I have an appointment to get my hair cut. I’m already late.

Me: The boy is asking me to pick him up

lol: No, the screen is black

Me: Your mom asked me to get the milk, she said she was going to get you. Could you work it out with her and let me know what I need to do. I’m kind of busy.

text2: wrtg a novel? L2 txt. uradrk 🙂

text1: no, I’ll get him. You need to get the milk.

Me: I don’t know if I will have time.

Me: Can you work it out with the boy? I’m kind of busy right now. Just let me know what you guys decide and I’ll do whatever that is.

Me: How about we try pushing the power button?

lol: What power button?

im1: Power button on what?

text2: That’s the longest text ever. uradrk ♥

im2: Push what?

im3: Power button? What in the hell are you talking about? Just get it done!

Me: The power button on the monitor.

Me: Make sure the router is plugged in.

Me: The power button on the monitor.

lol: Well what do you know. Looks like that didn’t get turned on. Looks like my internet is actually working. Thank you.

im1: Oh, hey, it was unplugged. Seems to be good now.

Me: Your welcome.

text2: Mom get me, u get milk

im2: Yeah, the monitor wasn’t turned on. All is well.

text2: I’ll get the boy, you get the milk… just like I first wrote.

Me: Great

im3: “Great” what? Are you smoking something funny?

Me: No, I mean, yes, I mean… never mind. I’ll get the routers ordered. Then I can start going through my email…

Technology SUCKS!!! Man, I miss my Blackberry…

Music Scene in the Nebraska Panhandle!

Sometimes, I am able to step back from my own perceived issues and take a look at the issues of someone else. No matter how bad you think you have it, there is someone else who can evoke feelings of pity from you. Such is the case with Mr. Jimmie Van Zant.

In the panhandle of Nebraska, there are few choices for entertainment. Very seldom does musical entertainment that fits my likes find its way here. On the 3rd of July this past summer, one of the local bars made a very lame attempt at bringing some “rock & roll” to the panhandle. The area is flooded with extremely lame cover-bands, so this bar thought it would bring in a person with a semi-famous last name so that person could perform hit songs! YEAH!… right? Except this person really has no claim to fame himself. He is riding the coattails of famous relatives of his which makes him and his band a… uh… cover-band.

Every time I see this, I have to laugh. I’m not laughing with you, Mr. Van Zant, I’m laughing at you. Jimmie is performing hits… by his first cousins. Hahaha! Seriously?!? How lame of a promo is that?

“I’ve never really amounted to much of anything, but my cousins had some success, so I’m gonna be performing some of their songs. Come see me perform, ’cause I got famous cousins! And I ain’t talking about 2nd or 3rd cousins… these are 1st cousins!”

For crying our loud. Don’t you just feel for Jimmie? I do. I feel really bad for him. He had first cousins in two bands that are icons of Southern Rock… and the biggest fame he could find is riding their coattails like 30 years later. Poor dude. My way of thinking leads me to believe that if he really had any talent, his cousins could have got him on with Lynyrd Skynyrd or 38 Special… not left him hanging only to cover their hits 30 years after the fact… at a dinky bar… in the-middle-of-nowhere Nebraska. I realize that Jimmie may have been to young to perform with the great bands during their heydays, but as far as I know, both Lynard Skynyrd and 38 Special still tour. Of course, maybe Jimmie just wants to do his own thing. Why play with the actual bands that had the hits when you can cover their songs and promote your 1st-cousin-status. Oh well.

Even more pathetic than Jimmie Van Zant is his opening act. The Driving Dynamics have quite a reputation around these parts. They are, after all, the “longest running rock & roll band in Nebraska”. I think Larry Soto is actually the founder of this group… and he still plays… and sings. Yeah, if you are thinking what I am thinking, the dude has to be like 90-years-old. That has to be entertaining. I’ve heard that Larry is like the only one of the original members who still plays. I guess he either fired the rest, they quit to enjoy the fruits of grand-parenthood, or they have died of old age. You can only imagine how exciting one of The Driving Dynamics’ shows must be.

Looking at the current band members according to the band’s website, Larry plays guitars and does vocals. The Dynamics also have two additional vocalists and a drummer. Three singers, one guitar and drums… and apparently a tape player playing bass, keyboard and whatever else is needed. That’s gotta suck 🙂 But the old Germans love this group, apparently because, even at 90, Larry makes the gray-hairs swoon.

Larry took this picture while looking down at his multitude of fans

Yeah, western Nebraska ain’t known for its music scene…

Sometimes, Life is Like football?!?

Everyone has probably already seen the following videos, but it struck me as I watched them on a Yahoo! News earlier this week… these are SO like life. In this first video, the poor running back gets an awful pitch from the quarterback. He gets turned around and begins running the wrong way. You can tell he is trying to veer back in the right direction, but his momentum and the players on his back prevent him from gaining positive ground. Yet, the little whipper-snapper just keeps plugging away. He is giving it his all. He is trying to make a positive outcome out of a very negative situation. He is an optimist.

With a certain realization, he becomes desperate. He tosses the ball to no one and suddenly he is either the biggest optimist on the planet, or he has come down from the ozone to join the rest of us and realized that all of that effort really wasn’t worth it. Whichever the case may be, I highly doubt he was much of an optimist for the next few days (or years… or decades). Welcome to the real world, Sparky.

This second video shows why sometimes, just sometimes, it’s better not to succeed. The Otters have this game in the bag. The field goal is well short of the mark. YEAH us! We win! We have succeeded! All of the hard work we put in finally paid off! A big “V”!

Caught up in the momentum of “victory”, the young optimist goes into celebration-mode… a bit too early. He forgets the fundamentals of his “profession”. In less than 4 seconds, he goes from probably one of the happiest moments of his young life to utter horror. Watch the clip again. After Mr. Prep spikes the ball and the other dude scores the touchdown, you see Mr. Prep falling to his knees and grabbing his face mask in utter disbelief. You can almost feel his stomach churning, can’t you. You can almost feel his tears running down your cheek, can’t you? “WHAT DID I JUST DO?” HAHAHA! See how easily one stupid mistake can undermine all of that hard work? See how easy it is to disappoint many people by losing your head for one brief moment?

I guess the positive is, if there is a positive to be found, in both of these videos: you can find your own success through the miserable failings of others. Be on the lookout for someone else to make a huge mistake, because therein may lie your huge opportunity for success. If you can’t find success on your own, wait for some poor sap to screw up for you.