I know that people are probably tired of me complaining about being short.
Tough.
“Quit using that as an excuse for being a failure!“
“There’s nothing you can do about it, so complaining about it doesn’t do any good!“
“Don’t focus on the negative, focus on the positive!” (like what… short-people clothes cost the same as regular-people clothes, and Chili’s doesn’t offer an under-average discount on Wednesday nights…)
Besides, there actually is something that can be done about it.
There is a procedure that can be done to increase a human’s height. I am a short human. I would like my height increased. This procedure can add approximately 3″ to a human’s height.
I’m currently 5′ 7″. The average height of a white adult male in the United States is 5′ 9.5″. With the addition of 3″, I would be 5′ 10″. I would be above average. I would be above average in some way for the first time in my life. I want this.
Here are the issues:
- The procedure costs about $85,000
- The procedure can be done for less (around $16,000)if you can spend a few months in Russia to have it done.
- The procedure involved the breaking of leg bones, stretching the bones apart, and letting everything grow back together while stretched. It is a very slow and very painful process.
- There is an extensive and painful physical-therapy heavy recovery period.
- The whole thing (barring complications and with having to pretty much completely relearn how to walk) could take up to a year or more, so that’s a year without a job or income.
Still… sooo worth it. I would sign-up to do this tomorrow… if I had the money and a job waiting for me after I was all healed-up and tall (actually, more like average, but that works). Giving up a year of my life to feel normal would be priceless… but the price tag is too high. Since insurance doesn’t cover this, who exactly can afford to have this procedure done? I bet a Fortune 500 CEO could afford to have this procedure done. Of course, the average height of a Fortune 500 CEO is close to six-feet tall. These people don’t need to be taller. They are already tall and confident and make enough money to afford the surgery which they do not need.
Meanwhile, here in Smallsville, Shorty McShort Butt doesn’t make enough to afford elevator shoes. It’s like a classic Catch-22. I might have to try stuffing newspaper in my shoes to appear taller so I can get a really good-paying job so I can save up to have the surgery… when I’m 65 and my bones don’t heal anymore…
Are there any millionaires looking to adopt a 49-year-man who is in desperate need of a surgery?
Oh – WAIT! THE POWERBALL IS UP TO $750,000,000 – but if I have the money, I’ll probably no longer need the height. And if I don’t have the money, I need the height. Everything would just be so much easier had I been born with better DNA…