Cosmo: It’s Not For Everyone…

… yeah, I know. I’m a dude. What in the hell am I doing going to Cosmo for advice on anything. I blame Google.

I’m trying to turn over a new leaf, you know?  I’m trying to be more positive at work.  We have some new people and I’m trying to not let my negativity rub off on the new people.  I figure if I can make it through the next 9 years, I can leave the panhandle of Nebraska in the dust… FOREVER.  I just need to make it through the next 9 years.

As I point out regularly, working sucks.  When you are at work, you are not doing the things you want to do… you are doing what someone else wants you to do.  Such is life.  It sucks, but what are you going to do.  You have to pay your bills somehow.  You have to have money for the scant time you do have to do the things you want to do.  Ahhh… the American Dream of we, the faithful sheep of the USA.  Spend your good years toiling and consuming so that when you are old and decrepit and have nothing much physically or mentally left to offer others, then you can take a year or two to yourself… before you kick the bucket.

So with my obvious new-found positive outlook, I went searching the Internet for ideas on how to make going to work more enjoyable.

And Google directed me to Cosmo…

And I should have known better than to even read the first sentence…

I’d love to copy the entire Cosmo post here and rip it apart piece by piece, but I believe that would be some sort of violation of something, and I’m sure Cosmo‘s lawyers are a little better than my lawyer… or they would be if I had a lawyer…

I apologize in advance for the following, but here is the link to the Cosmo article, “8 Ways to Make Your Job Suck Less”, by Anna Davies.

Now, if you’ll notice from the first piece of advice from this list of “8 Ways to Make Your Job Suck Less” that this article isn’t really written for anyone with testicals.  Maybe some women (and, I suppose, dudes… maybe…) can make their day brighter with a bouquet of pretty flowers, but that doesn’t do squat for me.

Item 2 is (if you read it, you know I crap you not) “Suck Up a Little.”  O…M…G… I remember that class from college: “How to Suck Up to Your Superior to Get Ahead at Work.” How could I have forgotten this simple rule that is so well respected by employees the world over?  Everyone loves a good suck-up, right?  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard something like, “Man, Jenny is such a good suck-up. I wish I could suck up more like her.  She is destined for greatness with that sucking ability of hers!”

Items numbered 3, 5, 7 & 8 are sexting, playing Angry Birds, watching YouTube videos, and planning a vacation.  Half of the stinking list of things to do at work to make your job suck less are pretty much, “Don’t do your job”!  That’s just freaking BRILLIANT!  Why hadn’t I thought of that?  If I don’t do my job while I’m at my job, maybe my job won’t suck!  MY MIND HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY BLOWN!!!  Pure genius…

Item 4 is to spend more time outside of work with your “office BFFs.”  Dear Lord… “office BFFs.”  Are we really supposed to have “office BFFs?”  I’m all for getting along with coworkers, and I even like a couple of mine, but if I ever refer to anyone that I work with as an “office BFF”, I want someone to promise to shoot me dead.  I already know which one of my office BFFs I can count on to make sure that happens…