Jimmy John’s sucks, and residents of Terrytown and Gering, Nebraska need to boycott it. (I wrote this intro sentence after I actually wrote the blog post because I’m working on my SEO 🙂 )
A couple of days ago, the wife was looking for some fast food for supper. It was one of those crazy hectic evenings where there really wasn’t a lot of time to cook. She had a rough day and was looking to have something (other than the standard pizza) delivered. “Hey,” she says to herself (because she talks to herself when she is losing her mind), “Jimmy John’s has good, relatively healthy food and they deliver!”
So, the wife calls Jimmy John’s, orders some grub, pays for said grub with a credit card, and then (thinking it strange that delivery was not offered) asked to have the order delivered.
“Uh, you live in Terrytown,” says the fast food genius on the other end of the line.
“Yeah,” says the wife.
“We don’t deliver out of Scottsbluff,” says the minimum-wage-earning superstar at Jimmy John’s.
“Huh?” says the wife.
“Yeah, we don’t deliver anything south of Beltline,” says my new favorite person in the whole entire world.
“But we’re only like 1 mile south of Beltline,” says the wife.
“Uh, you are gonna have to pick up your food,” says, I believe, Mr. Jimmy John himself, and can’t you just imagine him picking at a pimple as he’s talking?
So, the wife rubbed down the horses, pulled the irrigation line, pulled the milkers off the cows, rounded-up the sheep, put down our rabid family dog, pulled the fevered baby from his crib, loaded the crew into the sled and mushed the dogs all the way to Jimmy John’s. Okay, that may be slightly exaggerated, but it was a pain in the ass. Thanks for being a buttmunch company, Jimmy John’s!
Jimmy John’s does not deliver to Gering or Terrytown?!? How have the noble citizens of Gering not taken to the streets en masse to demonstrate against this monstrosity? How has this not made the cover of the Gering Citizen (a Gering-based tabloid that is pro-Gering… so extremely pro-Gering that its reporting often makes FOX News’ reporting on anything conservative and the Huffington Post‘s reporting on anything liberal actually seem fair and balanced), or at least the topic of a scathing editorial? I cannot comprehend how one of the loud-mouthed, opinionated citizens of Gering (and Gering has a plethora of those) hasn’t started a boycott of some sort against the tom-fool shenanigans of Jimmy John’s! Let me say that, as of this point in time, I shall lead the call for a boycott of the ridiculousness that is Jimmy John’s!
For those not from the panhandle of Nebraska, please let me explain the ridiculousness of that which I just wrote. See, Scottsbluff and Gering are two communities separated by the North Platte River. Terrytown is a village that occupies a sliver of land between Scottsbluff and Gering and is only a “village” at all because some guy named Terry with a lot of money wanted a town named after himself. For all intensive purposes, these three municipalities are one community.
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Most everyone in this area would agree with that except for the residents of Gering — they tend to be anal and think they are better than everyone “north of the river” (which is how they refer to the unwashed masses in Scottsbluff).
See, part of me blames the residents of Gering for the whole Jimmy John’s debacle. If Gering would merge with Scottsbluff, we would become like the 7th largest “city” in Nebraska. Instead, we are two puny little communities (three, if you count Terrytown… which no one does) who have issues attracting not only decent-paying employers (wanna work at Walmart, anyone?), but we have issues getting in amenities and businesses that many in the area would like to see come in (Red Lobster — the lower-middle class’s fancy seafood place). If we were merged, I bet Jimmy John’s would deliver to Terrytown and Gering.
However, I’m not going to blame this one on Gering (mostly because I wouldn’t rule out a vehement Gering resident trying to murder me in my sleep). I blame this one on the cheap-ass who owns the Jimmy John’s franchise. I’m guessing one of two things is happening:
- The franchisee only bought the rights for the Scottsbluff zip code and is therefore contractually prohibited from delivering outside of the stated franchise area. See, the franchisee doesn’t really care about the residents of Gering and Terrytown (whom I’m guessing provide a significant amount of business to the restaurant). I guess the franchisee wouldn’t care if we all just stopped supporting the business? I say we give it a try!
- The franchisee or management of the restaurant all come from an alternate reality where people in Scottsbluff look at people “south of the river” with the same contempt that Gering residents currently look at “northies” in our reality — because I could see some diphole actually opening a business in Gering and making deliveries to Gering only just to spite people from Scottsbluff.
It’s almost like the Hatfields and McCoys around here… except Gering is the Hatfields and they are out for blood, and Scottsbluff is the McCoys and they gave up on stupid, ego-driven feuds years ago.
I can almost guarantee that some ninny from Gering will read this post and think, “Adventurer Rich, as smart and well written as he is, just doesn’t understand the ramifications of a merger between Scottsbluff and Gering and how that merger would diminish the “voice” of the people of Gering. Our opinions would be lost in the cacophony of noise coming from north of the river. Not too mention the fiscal determent to our community and the … blah blah blah. Come on, folks, we all (by choice or not) live in Nebraska. Nobody gives a rat’s sittin’ spot about any of our voices. The least we can do is try to come together with a unified voice so that we can all grow together.
Of course, I live in Terrytown. Neither side of the river gives two cares about what Terrytownians (dibs — I claim credit for making that word up!!!) think.
Residents of Gering and fellow Terrytownians, let’s show the powers that be in the world of Jimmy John’s that we are not going to be subjected to their abuse. I propose that all Gering and Terrytown residents refuse to purchase anything from that despicable restaurant until the day when we can have our orders delivered to our doorsteps. All three worthless little communities making up the Tri-Cities of the panhandle of Nebraska deserve equality!!!
This was an enjoyable read. You certainly have the Gering Citizen pegged right. “Intensive purposes” works but I think it is usually “intents and purposes”? If I lived in Scottsbluff I probably wouldn’t deliver to Gering either considering the accuracy of your commentary. I wonder if it has anything, though, to do with their promise to deliver within a certain time? Because of the train(s) it can take longer to get between the two (three?) cities than to drive to Bayard.
Thanks for reading, CCW. Wow, I have used “intensive purposes” for as long as I have tried sounding smarter than I really am… thanks for pointing out my error. Yeah, the Citizen cracks me up sometimes, but they have a niche and they know how to cater to it (and given the state of “news” on paper today, that is kinda impressive). And the trains — there could be a whole blog post written on that subject alone 🙂
Sounds like an opportunity for some young people to start a new business, similar to other towns/cities, i.e. Delicious Deliveries, Fast Food to You, etc. Organize the businesses to allow you to deliver and add a charge on to the order! All of a sudden, a new profitable business!
That is a most excellent idea, Rebecca! I’ll have to check with my wife and see if she knows any young people 😀 If not, maybe we could look at doing something like that. My only concern is people around here tend to be a little cheap… err… underpaid. Definitely worth tossing around, though!
In the time it took you two type that up on your Cheetos riddled keyboard,you could have driven to Jimmy John’s and back 5 times. Good luck with your future sandwich endeavors.
Hey STEVE PERRY! Wasn’t really about the sandwiches… but thanks for reading and not getting it 🙂
actually the restriction is imposed by Jimmy John’s corporate. they have limitions on how far each location can deliver.
Thanks for the info, cdj 🙂 I honestly have no major issues with Jimmy John’s. Their delivery scheme kinda sucks, but I like their sandwiches, and I’m sure I will continue to buy their goods. Jimmy John’s corporate needs to learn a little bit about “customer service” (I bet outlying areas would be willing to pay a higher delivery rate). I understand that delivery is a “courtesy”, but buying their sandwiches is not an obligation on the part of the end-user. However, my post, although heavy on “anti-Jimmy John’s,” was really about two communities that could both benefit by becoming one… but one community refuses to let that happen…
I recently received an email via my “Tiny Contact Form” from “Jade”. I don’t think Jade liked my post. I am not going to get into a discussion via email about my posts, but I will post Jade’s email here and respond appropriately:
“Ha. I have to laugh at your perspective on Gering, Gering Citizen and
Geringites. Isn’t calling the Citizen a tabloid and balanced like Fox News
and Huffington Post, a tad bit like calling the pot black? Talk about a
slanted perspective, what do you think you are?”
Thanks for reading, Jade. However, I don’t know exactly what you mean. I know you meant “like the pot calling the kettle black,” but how am I a pot? I don’t present myself as a news source… I’m a guy who bitches about stuff; it’s what I do. So me jokingly making fun of the Gering Citizen is absolutely nothing like “calling the pot black.” Yes, my perspective is slanted. I have never claimed that it is not. My main goal with this blog, for the most part, is to make people chuckle. It is amazing to me how many people from Scottsbluff (and out of the area locations) got the post and thought it was funny. Meanwhile, back in Gering, there seems to be a lot of butthurt people (as a friend on Facebook commented). You asked me “what do you think you are?” Well, as hard as it is to believe, I’m a guy who writes a blog where I try to make people laugh: laugh at a situation, laugh at me, or maybe even laugh at themselves. Some people are just not very good at laughing at themselves…