Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Staring at Your Butt

I was at the YMCA a few weeks ago and something caught my eye.  Actually, my eyes were drawn to something.  It was a woman’s butt.  No, I’m not a pervert… well, most of the time I’m not a pervert… but this lady had on a pair of shorts with writing on the butt.  “Surf **something**” was written right there in large letters on the bottom of this woman’s shorts. It wasn’t so much that I was infatuated with the woman’s butt, it was that I couldn’t read what came after “Surf”, and it was driving me nuts.  What was this young woman encouraging others to “Surf”?   “Surf” on the butt made me think of a band that was had some modest popularity in my younger days, but I figured this gal was probably a little too young to be a Butthole Surfers fan.  She was on an elliptical in the front row, and there were several people on ellipticals in the row behind her.  I could tell she was self-conscious about the writing on her butt because she kept pulling her t-shirt down over her butt and blocking the words.  This made me stare even harder, just waiting her t-shirt to ride up so I could see what came after “Surf”.  I wasn’t the only one staring.  I noticed two men and a women beside me who all had their eyes locked on that woman’s butt… and none of us ever found out what came after “Surf”.  The young woman pulled her t-shirt down one final time, got off the elliptical, and left the circuit room.  I was disappointed and a little upset.  Why had she left the house with those stupid shorts on if she didn’t want anyone reading what they said.

Ok… I know you’ve seen this: females of all ages, shapes, colors and sizes with writing on their butts.  What in the hell are these women thinking?  In many cases, what are the parents (especially the fathers) of these girls thinking?!?  Do you realize that you are giving every male that you women (or your daughters, for crying out loud) encounter absolute permission to stare at your butt for an inexcusably long time.  I mean, seriously.  We can’t even really get in trouble for it.
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Wife/Girlfriend:  What are you staring at?

Dude:  I’m just seeing what it says on the back of her shorts.

Wife/Girlfriend:  Quit staring at her ass.

Dude:  Seriously, I’m just reading what it says.

Wife/Girlfriend:  It says “Juicy”… just like the last five girls whose asses you stared at.
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Dude:  They weren’t all “Juicy”.  One was a “PINK”.
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Dude: And besides, I’m pretty sure that’s a different font?  Isn’t that Old English Text MT?  I’m pretty sure the last butt writing was in Algerian.  I’m really going to need to take a closer look…

I’m going to let you in on a little secret:  guys look at girls butts.  No, seriously.  I’m not joking.  All ages of guys, from the young adolescent just hitting puberty to the old dude with the walker and the glasses so thick you can’t imagine how he can actually see anything, if you are female, will look at your butt.  I don’t know this for a fact, but I’m pretty sure even gay guys check out girls’ butts.

I know, I know… it’s hard to believe… but we really do look at butts.  We’ve been known to look at boobs as well.
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At least there is an explanation for why we look at boobs.
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We’re dogs, and we look at butts and boobs and we probably should feel ashamed for doing it, but we don’t.  It’s just the natural order of things.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re perverts or that we’re thinking naughty thoughts.  It’s kind of like when you go on a hike up in the mountains and you see a waterfall cascading into a calm pool below.
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You’re going to look at that waterfall and think, “nice waterfall.”  It’s a natural wonder.  Female butts are pretty much the same thing; we look and smile and think “nice butt.”
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To be perfectly honest, I believe that these females want guys to look at their butts.  Otherwise, why would they wear what they wear?

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I think the women want guys to look at their butts, but I think they only want certain guys to look at their butts.  They want guys they are attracted to to look at their butts.
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It’s like a flirting thing. Problem is, once you are out in public, you really don’t have any control over who is looking at your butt. Sorry, that’s just the way it works. You are probably going to have dudes that may or may not be Cuba Gooding, Jr. looking at your butt.
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This seems like it should be common knowledge, but if you are anywhere close to just about any male politician from the United States, you will have your butt looked at.

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Old dudes, teenage boys, ugly, hot… we’re all gonna check out your butt when you are walking around with a billboard on your fanny.  Even if you try to dissuade us by putting false advertising on your rear-end, we’re gonna look.
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So, if you don’t want every dude and his dog loking at your hiney, don’t leave the house with writing on your butt.  If you don’t mind hundreds of eyes checking out your bunnage, keep doing what you’re doing.  As far as teenage girls with the butt writings goes, do you girls have parents?  Do you have a dad?  I know parents have to pick their battles… but I think this is probably one worth picking.  Don’t let your daughters leave the house with clothes on that are going to draw eyes to body parts that you don’t want being the focus of intense scrutiny.

Sometimes, however, the writing on the butt can be helpful.  It alerts us to something we may need to know.  For example:

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I believe the young lady above is telling us that she just ate Ben Roethlisberger, and she is pointing out where his remains will soon appear.