I received a parking ticket while in Denver a few weeks back. I went to this DISH Network deal, because the place I work at is going to start selling DISH. So, it wasn’t for fun. Hell, it wasn’t even that enjoyable. The whole thing was kind of over my head, and no one was overly friendly, and the whole thing kind of sucked. This is going to come as a complete shock, but I’m not real fond of being around people. I know, I know, I seem like such a people person. Yeah, I’m afraid that too many years of dealing with bitchy, self-absorbed people and their stinking problems that I cannot fix have led me to see the worst in people. I don’t give anyone a fair shake anymore. I just start looking for the aspects of their personalities that are going to piss me off right from the start. Life is easier this way, and believe you me, everyone can piss you off if you just give them half a chance.
So, anyway, after this DISH thing, I go out to my car and there’s a flipping parking ticket in my door. ‘What the hell?’ I think to myself… actually, I believe I may have yelled it out loud. I grab the ticket and try to figure out what it is for.
Okay, so from my rear tire to my rear bumper is in the driveway of the place I went to the DISH thing at. By the way, their driveway is like a football field wide. I had no idea I was violating any sort of ordinance, so once I get home to Nebraska, I call the number on the ticket to dispute it. It is pretty obvious that the chick who answers the phone does not like dealing with people calling to dispute tickets all day. I explain the situation to her, that I’m from out of town, that I was hardly in the HUGE driveway, that there are no markings or signs stating where you can or cannot park, etc.
“Denver statute states that you can not park within five feet of a driveway,” she obviously reads from some sort of card.
“How am I supposed to know what Denver statutes are?” I ask. I’m not being snotty or rude or anything, just asking a question.
“Well, sir,” she practically seethes, “you will have to file a protest by mail.”
“Then why is this phone number on the citation I received,” I ask. I’m starting to feel not so polite.
“Or you can schedule a time in front of the magistrate.” She completely ignores my question.
I hang up.
So, I send the following letter, with documentation, to the Bureau of Idiots Who Penalize Visitors to the City and County of Denver… or whatever:
Yes, I’m anal and even included a Goggle Earth image of the driveway… just to prove my point about how long that stinking driveway was.
I mail my dispute, confident that they will let the whole situation serve as a warning and let it rest at that. I figure the next time I go to Denver, I will know better and I will be able to follow the ordinance. I start to have flashbacks to my dispute of my property tax increase with the idiots who call themselves commissioners for Scotts Bluff County, but I figure I can’t lose every time I battle the powers that be, right? Right?
A couple of weeks go by, and I get the following response from the Bureau of Idiots Who Penalize Visitors to the City and County of Denver:
Seriously… a form letter? I go off. No wonder my blood pressure is out of control and I’m on the verge of a heart attack. Every one I deal with has their head up their hiney and is out to get me.
“Screw it,” I yell. “I’ll just not pay it. What are they gonna do, send meter maid Lefebre up to Nebraska to arrest me?”
My wife tells me to calm down.
“I don’t care if they issue a warrant for my arrest in Denver. They’ll never catch me… and if they do, they’ll never take me alive!”
My wife tells me I’m overreacting.
“I’m not overreacting! Stupid meter maid Lefebre is obviously just a Colorado Buffaloes fan, saw my Nebraska plates, and is taking it out on me that the Huskers kick the snot out of the Buffs almost every time they play… and I don’t even care about the stupid rivalry!”
My wife tells me I need to watch my blood pressure. She tells me that the ticket is going to be paid and I don’t need something stupid like this going on my record.
“Fine,” I yell. It’s kind of funny how I let everything piss me off and I end up yelling at my wife because of it. She doesn’t think it’s really funny, but you know what I mean. “But I’m going to let them know how I feel about it.”
The wife rolls her eyes and smiles… which see seems to do a lot when I’m all torked off.
So, I type up the following and include it with the payment to the Bureau of Idiots Who Penalize Visitors to the City and County of Denver:
I mailed it yesterday. They will probably receive it the first of next week, and I bet no one even takes the time to read it… but I don’t care. I feel better for having written it, and the next time I go to Denver, I’m going to violate as many parking ordinances as I can… even though I don’t have a freaking clue as to what any of them are. I bet I’ll be able to do it without even trying… and I bet meter maid Lefebre will be waiting for me…
You are freaking hilarous! I am sending the link for this to my husband because it sounds like something HE would say or do….omgoodnes! what a riot!
FIGHT THE POWER!!! \m/
POWER TO THE RAVING LUNATICS WHO LET EVERYTHING PISS THEM OFF… er… I mean… THE PEOPLE! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
I believe one of Denvers ordinances states that if you mail them a professional letter with the word “asses” in it, followed by extreme sarcasm, they send the feds after you. But only if you live in Nebraska. Ill try to get around to visiting you in the pen.
But really, I wish I had the balls to sends letters of that nature to people who piss me off that much. Good for you.
PS. Did you really give them your blog site adress? Now thats classic.
The only thing I “erased” from any of the documents in this post was my personal info (full name, address, license plate number, etc.) I don’t need the weirdos who actually read my blog having THAT stuff 🙂 Yeah, I included this website. I figured if any of the people who actually read the original letter have a sense of humor, they may appreciate this post … or if it just pissed them off, they can get more pissed by coming here… and feel a little of what I was feeling.
I can’t imagine why your blood pressure would be high. Thanks for the entertainment.
See… I knew there were weirdos reading my blog…
Thanks for reading 🙂
I worked for the City of Denver. I have seen the light, thank you for waking me up. Effective today I quit my job. I am moving to Scotts Bluff County and I will slowly work up to a position of power there. I need to start thinking of more things that will make your life even more stressful. I will not stop until you drooling in a white room. Hmm maybe a dirty car violation. We need to keep the county looking good. I can see from the picture above you would love that.
This is so excellent. I had a really, really similar experience with that form letter and just hearing “Denver Parking” makes my blood boil. LOVE the Facebook page and I hope it gets thousands of followers.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Denver-Parking-Tickets-Rant/188320381190972
Restless… you’re a riot! If you’re gonna be an ass, though, please don’t move here. We have plenty of asses already. One more may topple the universal balance and create a riff in the space time continuum.
Emily, yeah, I agree about the Facebook page. Everyone needs to friend that page. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Denver-Parking-Tickets-Rant/188320381190972
Um, when I saw your attachment A, I thought to myself that you had indeed parked in the driveway. But, I do whole-heartedly agree with you that a warning would have been much better served than the ticket. Thank God you have a sensible wife, cuz I don’t know if I’d be able to make it to visit you in the pen!
Judy… seriously. There was a white SUV parked IN the driveway, and another vehicle in front of it. The whole semi-circle had vehicles parked around it. I assumed they were all parked in designated spots (which it made sense that there would have been designated spots there). That said, I was less in the driveway tyhan the SUV. I made sure of it. Now, whether the SUV got a ticket or not, I do not know. But that doesn’t matter. The whole point is, I didn’t know the law, and I would think that out-of-state plates with no “record” (’cause you know they ran my plates) would have warranted a warning. Apparently some uptight meter maid had a quota to meet, and I helped her meet it. Needless to say, after researching the whole thing, I found that the Denver Bureau of Parking has a reputation across the country for being filled with buttholes. That would be a stinky office to work in, wouldn’t it?
Hey, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to keep the idiots from making you lose your ever loving mind, don’t ya? Some people go postal, others blog.
I just totally cracked up that you tagged it with “bitter”.
I saw this today after I got ticketed 3x for one parking violation in downtown denver last week(the 3rd ticket was not on the car, and issued within 5 minutes from the 2nd). The drivers view of the meter stated the hours of collection? were until 6PM, but that was misleading, because if I had read the fine print on the other side of the meter(you had to look very carefully to understand what the collection times were) it was a 2 hr limit until 10PM. My bad on that one.
I basically got duped thinking I was good, because it was 6 when I parked. I live here and have gotten nailed for the dumbest parking violations. One was that I parked over the meter(invisible) line by 1-2ft into the other meter space on an empty street. You have to watch every little detail when you park here.
The only time I got away from one was when I was over the time limit and jogged 2+ blocks when I saw a meter nazi heading in the direction of my parked car. I barely beat him to the car and foiled him.
Bottom line is that the city/county of denver along with other counties/states are broke/ in the red and over budgeted, and are paying the salaries/pensions of the goons that work for the municipality. Denver is notorious for issuing parking/speeding violations. The county pulls in millions every year with these fines.
Another reason I hate parking downtown. Intensive revenue farming here. Pisses me to no end, but what can you do?
Kmart… I agree… there isn’t much anyone can do. If you are on Facebook, I recommend the group found at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Denver-Parking-Tickets-Rant/188320381190972. It was started by some locals who are fed-up and give some decent advice to avoid problems. They need more support (only have like 48 followers at this point). The more, the merrier 🙂
Love your letter, I think it’s brilliant (esp taking the time to correspond with the C&CD). Try paying a $50 fine for parking on a street cleaning day when the street sweepers either didn’t show or failed to do a decent job. A coke can and blue plastic has been along the curb for well over 3 weeks. As the jokes go: in Denver, if you can’t land a job (recession time excluded) elsewhere, C&CD will take you in; and, thank God C&CD takes in those who couldn’t get a job elsewhere. [There will be 10 people in line to be helped, 15 people behind the counter but only 1-3 working it while the others hang around gossiping & giggling or eating donuts/ drinking diet soda. Our tax dollars down the drain.]
gg, thanks for reading… and sharing in my frustration 🙂