Month: December 2010

This past Friday, I had the honor and the privilege of attending Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman’s Pre-legislative breakfast at the wonderful Gering Civic Center… or something.  I was excited that my boss asked me to go, ’cause I figured I could get some good crap for my blog there, and I did.

Dave Heineman is the Republican governor of Nebraska (because Nebraska is ruled by Republicans who vote for Republicans no matter what that Republican really stands for).  I am registered as a Republican, but I consider myself more of a So-Stinking-Fed-Up-With-Politics-That-My-Head-Is-Ready-To-Explode-ian” (wish that party existed).  Governor Dave has made all kinds of promises to the people (i.e. voters) of western Nebraska and has followed through on so few of them, that I figured this little morning affair would be entertaining.  I wasn’t overly disappointed… well, except for the food.

It cost $15 for a member of the Scottsbluff/Gering Chamber of Commerce members to attend this event (more if not a member).  The food was provided by The Meat Shoppe.  The Meat Shoppe provides all food to all events held at the Gering Civic Center… it’s like part of some contract or something.  Many people hold things like wedding receptions and anniversary parties in this location… and if you want food, The Meat Shoppe has to provide it.  Needless to say, food from The Meat Shoppe usually isn’t overly spectacular, and Governor Heineman’s event was no exception.  Bland scrambled eggs, generic waffles, very greasy sausage patties, and even greasier hash browns were the only food available, and not a bottle of ketchup nor Tabasco were anywhere to be seen.

I recently attended a soiree (see how fancy I’m getting… “affair”… “soiree”… living the high life here in Craphole, Nebraska) for Miss Nebraska that was at the Gering Civic Center.  Of course, the food was provided by The Meat Shoppe.  Dinner consisted of semi-barbecued crap (chicken and beef), a potato casserole… or something like that (very elegant?!?), coleslaw (best thing they served), and a basket of rolls on each table.  Well, our table had 10 people (which almost every table held), and there were 10 rolls in each basket.  I like rolls.  I usually have 2 or 3 rolls with any meal I eat.  One of the rolls from our basket was dropped on the floor, so there was one person at our table who was roll-less.  When one of the table-picker-uppers came by (’cause there are no wait-people with The Meat Shoppe… just people who keep asking you if you are done yet), I asked if, perhaps, we could get some more rolls, because one had dropped to the floor.  I wanted more, and I know that others did as well… plus there was the one dude who didn’t even get one.  The table-picker-upper said, “I’ll check,” and she disappeared.  She came back about 5 minutes later and asked, rather snottily, “So, who is it that needs a roll?”  Well, no one (including myself) had the balls to say “ME” (including the dude who didn’t get one because one fell to the floor),  so the table-picker-upper kind of looked at me like I was a problem-child because I had made the request, and she stormed off… and we were roll-less for the rest of the evening.  Seriously, how flipping expensive can those stinking rolls be that you can’t bring out another stinking basket?

My oldest son isn’t a huge barbecue fan, but we talked him into attending this event because we thought it would be… informative or something.  The poor kid is starving and was really looking forward to another roll, from which we were banned.  The wife looks at the boy and says, “Hold onto your fork and spoon for dessert.”  At least he has dessert to look forward to, right?  Well, about 5 minutes after refusing to bring us another basket of rolls, the wench from The Meat Shoppe says to the boy, “Are you done with that,” pointing to his plate?  He nods.  And then she adds, “Go ahead and give me your silverware, too, ’cause there ain’t any dessert or anything.”  The boy didn’t weep openly or anything, but I could tell he wanted to.  “We’ll pick up something from McDonald’s on our way home,” I reassured him… but we didn’t.  Stupid Meat Shoppe.  No customer service (at least if you are not the one paying the final bill) and crappy food.  I’m sure they were offering a discounted rate or something, because the whole night was a fundraiser for Miss Nebraska to go to the Miss USA thingie in Las Vegas, so I have a feeling that The Meat Shoppe was pitching in (at least they better have been), but come on… if you’re gonna give… GIVE a little dessert.  The Meat Shoppe: something to avoid in the Craphandle of Nebraska!

Well… I guess I kind of got sidetracked there, didn’t I?  The Meat Shoppe, as you can probably tell, isn’t my favorite and is well deserving of the  three-paragraph tirade I afforded it… but it’s my blog, so if you don’t like it, leave.  Or stay, because I get back to Governor Heineman here shortly.

Back to Governor Heineman (see, I told you it would be shortly 🙂 ).  After the crowd at the Gering Civic Center had forced down the greasy goop that was passed-off as breakfast, Governor Dave got up and gave a little “state of the state” address.  I’m going to be doing some quotes from the Governor, and I just want to be all upfront with the fact that the quotes aren’t really “quotes” but more of a paraphrasing/making-stuff-up kind of thing…  you know, just trying to give you my biased “gist” of what Dave was trying to say.  It’s not like I was taking notes or anything, and this was days ago.  After all, I write a little blog… it’s not like I’m a journalist or anything.  His speech was all kitty cats and butterflies.

“Nebraska has a 4% unemployment rate… one of the best in the nation.”

“Nebraska has, in a few short years, moved from 45th best to 29th best in attractiveness of taxes charged to businesses… making us a lot more attractive to businesses than we used to be.”

“Everything I do is AWESOME and, even though I am much shorter in person than I’m sure you would suspect, I am the best governor this state has ever had… blah blah blah blah…”

… you get the picture.

So, after the little pep talk about how great things are for the state of Nebraska since good old Dave has been governor, he asks the audience if there are any questions.  About a bazillion hands flew up.  And Dave took each and every question from every person who wanted to ask a question.  You notice that I stated he “took” every question, because, to be 100% honest, I don’t think he actually answered any of the questions posed to him.

voter: “Mr. Governor, the Heartland Expressway is a priority to the people in the panhandle.  Once completed, it will link Rapid City to Denver with our community being right in the middle of all of that trade and traffic.  When campaigning before the election, you said you would make completion of this project a priority, but there seems to be little if any progress.  What are you doing about the Heartland Expressway?”

Governor Dave:  “The Heartland Expressway is a priority of mine.  I am committed to seeing it come to fruition.  Next question?”

another voter: “Yeah, uh, Governor, we are seeing an exodus of people leaving our rural communities.  Many of these people are young people who leave to attend college and never come back.  The more urban portions of the state are seeing growth while our rural communities are drying up and blowing away.  More quality business and quality jobs in our rural communities could help retain our most precious resource: our people.  What, if anything, are you doing to help slow or stop this population migration?”

Governor Dave:  “Hell, I wouldn’t want to live out here in the sticks, why would our youth be any different?  Ya’ll are a bunch of nincompoops for wanting to live out in this desolate wasteland in the first place”… wait a second… that isn’t what Governor Dave said… that’s what I was thinking… sorry 🙂

Governor Dave:  “My responsibility as governor is to see to it that the state doesn’t lose population, which it’s not.  The fact that the urban areas are seeing growth and rural areas are seeing decline means that urban areas are doing something right… and you’re not.  Next question?”

Yet another voter from western Nebraska:  “Yes, Governor, wind energy is going to play a major part of our country’s energy supply in the near future.  Wind farms are booming in Colorado and Wyoming, and wind is one of the few things western Nebraska has an abundance of.  Why are we not seeing wind energy development in our area?  Like with ethanol production, are tax incentives being offered to get wind energy off the ground in Nebraska?”

Governor Dave:  “Wind energy is good, but, you know, the wind always blows when you don’t want it to, and it doesn’t blow when you need it to.  Hahaha!  Wind energy has a future in western Nebraska.  Next question?”

…and on and on and on…

… seriously…

The only thing I learned from my attendance at the Pre-legislative breakfast with Governor Dave Heineman is this: I could be governor!

I think that wind energy is good!

I can tell people who voted for me that their problems aren’t my responsibility!

I can say that the Heartland Expressway is a priority of mine !

Man, at times I doubt I have any real worth to society.  Little did I realize… I apparently have every skill necessary to be governor of the great state of Nebraska!