You know what? I played softball Friday night and for the first time this season I felt like I could actually run! Did I stretch more than usual? No, I stretched no more than usual. Have I been running sprints on the days between games? Haha… seriously, run on days I don’t have to, that’s funny! So what, you may ask yourself, is Adventurer Rich’s secret to being able to run without feeling like the muscles in his legs are actually going to explode?
When I was a wee tot, I remember something my grandma had around the house. It came in a small bottle with a funky, sponge-like applicator at the top. When I would press the applicator against myself, cool green liquid would erupt onto my skin. Within a matter of moments, the liquid was absorbed into my skin and a mild heat consumed my flesh. This was an amazing liquid that my Grandma rarely let me touch. She, however, reeked of this liquids pungent odor almost all of the time. This magical liquid was the reason for my ability to run in last Friday’s softball game without feeling like my groin was going to burst. This magical liquid is… Absorbine Jr 
Absorbine Jr. is amazing. The cool of the (I’m sure mildly toxic) chemicals that first splash across your skin is invigorating. The oddly green appearance of the liquid is reminiscent of the Grossolium 90 that transformed Melvin Junko into one of the oddest superheros of all time: The Toxic Avenger 
So I bought a bottle of Absorbine Jr the other day because I’m feeling a little sore all the time now since softball season started. I know it was good enough for my grandma, so it’s gotta be good enough for me. I get home and I sponge it on all of my sore spots. The cool feels good, the warm feels great, and the smell waxes my nostalgic. I’m wishing they would sell the green, stinky magic juice in 5 gallon buckets so I could fill a tub with it and just soak. Another great thing about Absorbine Jr is the fact that you don’t have to beg a family member to put it on you. You know how no one wants to rub you down with Icy Hot or Bengay because they have to spend too much time washing the crap off their hands after rubbing you down with it? With Absorbine Jr, you need no one. You just rub the green toxin all over your body with the handy applicator-tipped bottle (or, if you find it in 5 gallon buckets, just soak) and let the magic begin. The smell is just annoying enough that you will keep various family members away from you (which often helps your muscles relax as well).
The Absorbine Jr works so well after a softball game, I’m thinking to myself (which is always a dangerous proposition) that maybe putting the stuff on before a game would be a good idea. So, that’s exactly what I do, I douse myself down with Absorbine Jr before driving to the Carpenter Center to play ball. On the way there, the warm tinglies are kicking in and I’m feeling great. I get to the fields and find some of my teammates. I saunter over, feeling pretty cool and collected with my major Absorbine Jr vibe going on. One of the young kids starts to look around and wrinkles her nose. “What’s that smell?” she asks. I kind of drift off to the side of our group.
I grab a softball and ask who wants to warm up. Another whipper-snapper says he’ll warm me up, and we disengage from the rest of the group and toss the ball back-and-forth. We throw and we catch and we throw and we catch some more until the whipper-snapper finally asks, “You warmed up enough yet?”
I know that if we go back to the group that I’m sweating just enough right now that the Absorbine Jr smell is at an all-time high (it appears that it somewhat lodges in the pores of your skin and when you sweat… POW, the smell really comes alive!) “Just a few more throws,” I holler back to the whipper-snapper. We throw the ball until the game is ready to begin.
The thing with Church League co-ed softball is that you always have plenty of guys to play, but you never seem to have quite enough gals to play. Since there were more than plenty of guys, a few of us sat out for the first couple of innings and would go in as replacements at a later point in the game. Now, with me being one of the older dudes on the team, sitting out for two or three innings after already having warmed-up freaked me out a little. I just got through stretching out the old muscles and letting the Absorbine Jr work its magic. If I just sat on the bench for two or three innings, those muscles would tighten right back up and I’d be in serious trouble, so instead of just sitting on the bench, I’m outside the dugout running little sprints, laying on the ground stretching muscles, and doing everything I possibly can to keep those muscles warm. In the meantime, I’m working up a little sweat and stinking to Absorbine Jr high-heaven.
When I finally get to go into the game, I’m up to bat. I can tell that the stink is pretty heavy on me, and it’s making me a little self-conscious. I get up to bat and I glance back at the catcher. The catcher’s face is all twisted up in a wad and I can’t help but think it is because she can smell my Absorbine Jr reek (it could have been that the lady just had a kind of wadded-up face, but I wasn’t thinking too clearly… I think the Absorbine Jr fumes were getting to me.) I hit a little dinker down the third base line and off to first I go. I’m safe on first. The first baseman has a funny look on his face and I’m dead certain that he smells the “old” on me. I start sweating harder which makes the Absorbine Jr stench stronger and when the gal at bat blasts over second base I run like a bat out of hell so that no one can smell my stink. I run harder than I’ve ever run and any pain in my muscles that had hampered my play in previous weeks was nowhere in my mind as I attempted to leave the hideous old person smell of Absorbine Jr in my dust.
Needless to say, I was out at second. But throughout the rest of the entire game (which we lost) I ran without giving any thought to my old muscles. The pains and flair-ups of previous weeks were gone as, with every move that I made, I attempted to keep those around me from becoming disgusted with my smell.
The funny thing is… the way I was pushing my muscles in an attempt to seperate myself from my stench should have made for days of sore muscles and aching joints. After the game, I felt just fine. The day after the game, I felt just fine. Here it is, Sunday, Father’s Day, and I feel just fine. I’ll admit, the hideous odor following me throughout the game made me rather uncomfortable; however, I feel better than I have felt in weeks. I think my grandma was really onto something with Absorbine Jr. I love and miss my grandma very much. She has passed from life on this earth around 17 years ago. I am very thankful that she passed the secret of Absorbine Jr