Usually, I complain about stuff here on this site. I tend to go on and on about many of the small, unfair things that transpire in my life. My motto is “life sucks and then you die”, so rarely will I point out the positive in much of anything. This post is going to be an exception to my rule. This post is going to emphasize the positive.
Today, I went to the youngest boy’s middle school band competition thingie. As I was standing around after the performance with the wife, I looked around at the other people waiting for their kids. I noticed, as I have increasingly done, that I was the single shortest adult male at that performance.
At work, I am one of the (if not “the”) shortest man at work. I am surrounded by college students all day, and the vast majority of the male students and what seems like a smaller majority of the female students are taller than me. Needless to say, I spend the vast majority of my time looking up at people and being looked down upon by others.
I know, it may seem like I am heading into my usual mode of bitching about stuff, but that is not the case. One may think that being a short man is horrible, but the opposite is true. Being a short man is complete and utter awesome-sauce.
As a short man, I don’t have to worry about making as much money. According to an article on Slate, for every inch a person is taller, that person makes about $1000/year more than his shorter counterpart. So someone who is six-feet tall will make, on average, about $5000/year more than me. Now, I know that may seem like a bad thing for the shorter person, but money is not a good thing. Money is inherently evil. Think about it, money leads to buying those luxury items that you really don’t need. The lack of money means one is more likely to just be able to afford the basic necessities in life. People with a lot of money take their fancy vacations and have their luxury automobiles. Us shorter guys have to save for years to take a middle class vacation, so we appreciate them more, right? Us shorter guys can never afford a brand new automobile, so we don’t have to worry about our vehicle losing 20% of it’s value by driving it off the lot.
Those who make more money can put more money away for retirement and have better retirements. Us short people get to work our entire adult life. That’s a blessing, working until the day you die, because… it just is.
Tall men are seen as more powerful and garner more respect… those suckers! Who wants to be respected when you can spend your entire adult life being looked down on. Being looked down on is FABULOUS! No one expects much of you as a short dude because, you know, you’re so tiny.
Another great thing about being short is we shorties tend to be, according to Time, unhappier than the tall. Unhappiness RULES! Who would want to walk around feeling happy all the time. Happiness is overrated. Try being bitter for awhile. Bitterness is pretty fantastic. The Time article also points out that tall people tend to view short people as having chips on their shoulders, like us shorties have to make an extra effort to command attention. Command of attention is something that just comes naturally for taller people because of their size. But I wonder, who really wants to command attention when you can just sit unnoticed in a corner and lead your insignificant life in peace. Then, you can die and be forgotten. See, being short is pretty awesome.
I love how the things that we have absolutely no control over (like height) can have such a dramatic impact on our lives. Of course, there are plenty of happy short people out there, I’m sure. Short people just have to work a little harder to find happiness. Short people just have to look in more non-traditional areas to find their happiness, since it won’t come through income, respect, admiration of peers, or anything like that. Tall people don’t have to work harder to find happiness, because they do command attention just by walking into a room, and they will make more money and command more respect in general. So tall people are inherently lazy because stuff comes easier for them. I know, I’m digging, but I’m really trying to find the positive in all of this.
My wife says she is going to ban me from Google, which may be a positive…