Literally Coming Apart…

So I think I have a hernia. When I lay on my back, there’s this little poof of something under the surface that kind of sticks up in the middle of my abdomen. And I have been having pain right under the ribs on my right side. I figured they were related.

So, I went to see my Dr.

My Dr. takes a look at me and tells me he doesn’t think it’s a hernia, it’s just my abdominal muscles thinning (’cause I’m FAT). You know, like pregnant women sometimes experience (’cause I’m FAT like a pregnant woman… but without the whole “you’re-still-beautiful-because-you-have-a-life-inside of-you-thing… it’s just FAT… I gotta FAT baby of nothing but FAT). I ask the Dr. what I can do, and he tells me to lose weight.

But I got something else going on around my belly button that I’m pretty sure is at least the start of a small hernia, so the Dr. tells me he’s going to order a CT scan. So I wait for the imaging place to call me.

A couple of days later, the imaging place calls me. The lady told me she was calling to schedule my imaging appointment and she needed to let me know that my out-of-pocket cost was going to be eight hundred and something something something dollars. I asked her to repeat that, thinking maybe I had misunderstood. And she repeated that it’s going to cost eight hundred and something something something dollars.

I said, “Well… cancel that then.”

She then informed me that I get like a 10% discount if I pay it all upfront.

“No,” I said, “we’re not going to be doing any imaging for me. Thank you, though.”

The lady then said, “Would you like to talk to our financing department? “

financing department?

I informed the lady that I wasn’t buying a f&$%ing car and I most definitely did not want to talk to the financing department. I said it very politely, and she told me to have a nice day and called me “sweetie” šŸ˜Š

Do I have a hernia? Is my abdominal muscle just thinning with age and FAT? The world may never know, because I’m never going to pay eight hundred and something something something dollars for a f&$%ing picture of my stomach!

Oh yeah, and remember how I said I was having pain right below my ribs on the right side? The Dr. thinks that’s unrelated to my FAT stomach with thin walls… he thinks that’s probably my gallbladder. Hahaha. I asked him what we could do about that, and he said, “Take it out.” Hahaha.

Oh my… good times after fifty. And I’ll KEEP my gallbladder, Mr. Dr., thank you very much! I am coming to the realization that getting old means you need to appreciate pain. Pain is, after all, the spice of life, right? And when the physical pain is less than the monetary pain required to fix the physical pain, LIFE IS GOLDEN.

Is this what they mean by the “golden years?”

Being a Fatty McFat Butt Sucksā€¦ or Does It?

Hello, my name is Adventurer Rich, and Iā€™m fat.

There needs to be a twelve-step program for fat-o-holics. Ā Food is most definitely a drug, and Iā€™m addicted.

Ever since the holidays, I have had a bit of added stress in my life. Ā And by ā€œbitā€ I mean Iā€™m genuinely surprised my heart hasnā€™t exploded. Ā I donā€™t deal with the regular old stress of daily life very well, so when stress is added that makes me wonder what in the hell Iā€™m going to do with my entire future, I donā€™t hold up too well.

And I eat.

I wish I were one of these people whose appetite just disappears when they get stressed or depressed. Ā You know the type, people who fall into a funk and they lose like twenty pounds because they are too depressed to even eat. Ā If I was one of these people, given my predisposition to look at the darker side of all situations, Ā Iā€™d be super-model thin. Ā I am, however, the complete opposite of these lucky sons-a-guns who canā€™t eat when they are down. Ā When Iā€™m in the dumps, I eat like a pig.

  • Canā€™t figure out how Iā€™m ever going to be able to retire? Ā Eat some left-over pizza and it doesnā€™t matter as much.
  • Realize that most of my life has been wasted giving up on dreams? Ā A roll of summer sausage and a tin of Pringles make the pain go away.
  • Wondering how weā€™re going to cover the mortgage and other regular monthly bills plusĀ the plethora of medical bills that recently reared their ugly headsĀ while adding a teen driver to our insurance? Ā PB&J with triple PB sounds about right.
  • Job situation a little shaky and not sure what is going to happen if that falls apart? Ā One-pound block of sharp cheddar, take me awayā€¦

So, needless to say, Iā€™ve packed on a few pounds over the last few months. Ā The problem is, I not only eat when Iā€™m stressed or depressed, I eat when Iā€™m happy too. Ā Proud of the older boy for his performance at a soccer game; celebrate with a fast food treat! Ā Proud of the younger boy for earning his next belt in karate; stop by the bakery and get some donuts!

So, whether Iā€™m winning or losing, Iā€™m gaining weight. Ā The more I weigh, the higher the old blood pressure gets, the more I feel like crap, the more my self-esteem slips, the more I eat, the more I weighā€¦

See the problem?

I love food. Food is a great way to celebrate when you are happy and it makes you feel better when you are down. Ā And any food that doesnā€™t taste like butt makes you fat.

So I am fat.

I exercise, but exercise just makes me hungry. Ā The more I exercise, the more I eat after exercising.

So I am fat.

I was trying to lose weight last June, and IĀ wrote about it. Ā I actually weigh more now than I did then, and that sucks. Ā I am officially ā€œobeseā€.

Actually being obese frees me in so many waysā€¦

  • I can wear my pajamas to Walmartā€¦ I can probably even use Walmartā€™s little scooter/shopping cart and park it in the middle of an aisle while I take my sweet time deciding which flavor of Doritos I want.
  • I can let my feeling of guilt slip away while filling that seventh plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
  • I can drop ten bucks at McDonaldā€™s ordering only from the dollar menuā€¦ all for meā€¦ for a snack between lunch and supperā€¦
  • Celery no longer needs to take up any space in my fridge.
  • Screw the diet pop; Iā€™m going full-on high fructose corn syrup! Ā I donā€™t even need the carbonated water to thin it down. Ā Just point me directly to the high fructose corn syrup and some Red Bull: the breakfast of championsā€¦
  • Elevators and escalators will no longer be the ā€œfunā€ way to get where I am going; they will be a necessity to prevent stroke or cardiac arrest.
  • Trips to the YMCA, long having been a pain in the butt, are no longer necessary. Ā The sooner I let my obesity consume me, the sooner disability and a life of leisure can kick in.
  • I may be shortening my life, but Iā€™d rather live a short, happy, fat life than a miserable, long life eating things that make my taste buds cringe and my poop green.

I used to think I could get in shape. Ā I used to think I could be healthy. Ā I used to think a lot of thingsā€¦ Ā I try not to think anymore. Ā Thinking hurts. Ā Smart people can think and it doesnā€™t hurt, but it hurts me when I think. I must not be very smart. Ā Being not very smart is kind of depressingā€¦ pass the pork rindsā€¦10