There are so many things about the Craphandle of Nebraska not to like! The wind blows here almost all of the time. The scenery is… uh… not very scenic. There is little to do here that does not involve killing critters of one kind or another or drinking lots and lots of alcohol (I know, I know; sounds like a redneck heaven… but if you aren’t 100% pure redneck, it sucks.) Low wages and a relatively high cost of living (i.e. we make less and pay more because we like killing stuff and drinking stuff… or something.) Oh, I could go on for hours about the stuff here that sucks! There is some good stuff here too, but the good stuff isn’t nearly as fun to write about!
One of the most annoying things of all about living in the Craphandle of Nebraska is the stinking old Germans!
Now, I have nothing against Germans as a people (other then, I guess, World War I… & maybe World War II… and that holocaust thing wasn’t real cool… and BWMs kind of suck ’cause they are only for rich, snotty people.) Heck, I have my fair share of German blood running through my veins. However, the Germans here are different! The Germans here in the Craphandle of Nebraska are Germans from Russia who left Russia to get away from the Czars… blah, blah, blah. I’ve had the whole thing explained to me before but it didn’t interest me at the time and I have no desire to bore you to death with it now. To make it short: Germans around here are… uh… different; did I already mention that?
To Germans around here, bratwurst isn’t a mainstay and sauerkraut is seldom seen. “Garlic sausage” is the meat of choice. Never heard of garlic sausage? Yeah, neither has 99% of the US population. Garlic sausage is a beefie porkish big link sausage thingie that tastes pretty garlicy. Don’t get me wrong, the garlic sausage stuff is good… but it ain’t bratwurst! Also, they have these things here called “cabbage burgers.” These are also known in German communities around the world as kraut burgers or runzas.
Kraut burgers are a mixture of lightly seasoned cabbage and ground beef stuffed inside bread dough and baked. Sounds yummy, huh? Actually, they aren’t nearly as gross as they sound and, if you’re like me, you will enjoy the gas-producing side effects:) There is even a franchised fast food restaurant based out of somewhere in eastern Nebraska that specializes in kraut burgers; it’s called Runza and it sells extremely overpriced, very small versions of the kraut burger. So, next time you’re in Nebraska, stop at a Runza and order some cabbage and ground beef stuffed bread dough… it will only take like 3 of them to fill you up, and they are only like $5.00 each. That’s a reasonable lunch!
Germans around here also like their “German Blackberries”, which aren’t blackberries at all but are the potentially lethal Black Nightshade.
The local Germans use these berries, which are from the same plant family as tobacco, in breads and various desert products. Poisonous tobacco berries… line up kiddies, Grandma has something special for you!
Aside from the strange cooking habits of the stinking Germans, the attitude that many of these people force on you will either really tick you off or make you sick! “My family helped found this valley,” the stinking Germans will say (’cause, I guess, much of the Craphandle is located in a valley.) They throw this at you in an attempt to, I don’t know, impress you? It’s like the fact that this moron’s great-grandfather settled here a long time ago makes the moron someone special. I always want to come back with something like:
“Well, if your family helped found this valley, why in the hell aren’t there better paying jobs here? Why is the crime rate so proportionately high here? Why has this turned into a retirement community where young families have to be semi-retarded to stay? Why is it, that at any given time of the day, you can be stopped by not one but two trains when trying to travel from one side of the “twin cities” of Scottsbluff and Gering to the other… what kind of “progressive” community still has railroad crossings on major streets instead of underpasses or overpasses… oh, that’s right, we’re not ‘progressive,’ ’cause we’re a bunch of stinking Germans who don’t need no stinking progress! Why is there a meth lab in every corn field and a meth head on every corner? If your family helped found this valley and played a major part in what this valley is today… I guess your family kind of failed us, didn’t they, Sparky!”
Of course, the stinking old Germans only throw this crap out when you are dealing with a customer service issue and they want special treatment because of “who they are.” If I was actually able to come back with the response I feel is appropriate, I would find myself filing for unemployment. Stinking Germans!
Another time where the stinking old Germans really try to tick me off is when they are driving! Even in my church parking lot, you really have to be careful with the stinking Germans behind the wheel. It can be 15 degrees Fahrenheit with the wind howling and the snow blowing and you are coming out of church with your family, including your new-born baby. You are trying to rush your family to the safety of the awaiting car but… LOOK OUT!!!… a stinking old German is coming right at you and there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that that old moron is going to slow down let alone stop to let you and your family find safety from the weather in your car… not until they drive by. How DARE you think that the stinking old German should let you cross just because he or she is in the warm safety of their car; they are old and they are German… you should feel lucky that they didn’t just run you down where you stand, because that is perfectly within their rights. Don’t you know who they ARE! And if you think the church parking lot is bad, just wait until you try the stinking Walmart parking lot!!!
im looking forward to some more post on the HAPPY and JOY. These STINKING post are only fueling my hatred of mankind. But i am still enjoying every word. Keep em coming.
The Kraut burger looks yummy, must be about supper time! Hope you dont’ get sued by Runza…
Lee… thanks, Bro. Judy, someone other than my brother and sister would actually have to read this blog in order for a lawsuit to be a threat:)
My family is Russian Germans like you speak of. lol I love kraut burgers and you’re right, Runza’s tiny little ones are overpriced. (but good)
We don’t live in Nebraska tho, but close, front range Colorado. 🙂 Nice article, got a kick out of it. 🙂 Never heard of the nightshade thing, but I know my grand parents made sausage, probably like yyou describe.
Found your site here searching for cabbage burger recipes. I’m going to make a jalepeno + cheese + hamburger variant of them. There is (was?) a little store in Greeley CO that made AWESOME kraut burgers. Huge and pretty cheap. Got my idea from them.
Stay on the curb till’ I go by!
Cheers, Jeff
Hey Jeff… the front range is one of the few things I don’t complain about 🙂 The fact that you started out in the first sentence admitting the Russian-German ancestry concerns me a little, but you seem like a decent chap.
Jalapeno + cheese + hamburger kraut burgers… now there’s something I’d pay five bucks for and not complain 😉
@Jeff- Wow, we’re ( my lady and I) reading this thinking “there’s another me, here” Your taste of jalapeno’s, you’re in Colorado, and……. you found this blog by searching for cabbage burger; however, I’m not German or Russian at all. I’m half Chinese half Caucasian.
I wouldn’t take it to harshly what the blogger here has said bad about Germans or his concern for you “The fact that you started out in the first sentence admitting the Russian-German ancestry concerns me a little.” As you could come up with many things to say just as bad about any race.
For example, Chinese will let their boss sleep with their wife just for the chance to get a promotion ( not me personally,) But many Chinese wouldn’t look down on this.
@Rich Your writing skills are very good. It would be hard for me to believe that you have not taken any classes to promote such skill. Very interesting stuff.
As far as a possibility of getting sued goes…. there’s a little thing called freedom of speech, seems you use it quite diligently. I doubt you have much to worry about. Your things had me laughing a lot yada yada yada, bla bla bla, nice work, good job.
Eric, thanks for checking out my site! Don’t let my complaining lead you to believe that I am a complete racist 🙂 My ancestry consists of almost half Germans of Russian descent… so, I’m afraid, that blood runs through my veins as well. I just like to complain about and make fun of stuff, and there is nothing more fun than making fun of yourself 🙂
Why don’t you move, your the moron! I’m German and proud of it and your stupid as they come! Eat some cabbage , fart your brains out and hope you explode!
Cynthia… this was meant to be satirical, which obviously you didn’t get. I do want to thank you for proving my point in such a wonderful manner about the whole German-attitude-thing.
Most of the Germans around here grew up speaking the English language, which is something you sadly seem to have missed out on. Keep practicing. Some day you’ll be able to write grammatically-correct sentences just like the grown-ups.
Hey there Adventure Rich! I am 100% German-Russian and I have to say I disagree with a few of your statements here and question some others. The “old fart” germans I know NEVER drive their car over 25mph and they have eaten so many kraut burgers that they are not exactly quick getting out of church. They also like to stand around and talk to all of the other Germans after church so why is it that you can’t get to your car before they even hit the parking lot? As far as being responsible for the way the valley is now I don’t think you are looking in the right places because 98% of the German-Russians who settled here were farmers and I must say the farm lands and Agricultural Industry is about all the so called “Craphandle” has that is worth a damn. A lot of the people who actually settled in the city limits were farm laborers mostly from Mexico. I am 28 years old and have always eaten the “German blackberries” and I have a perfectly clean bill of health so maybe you should try some. I agree 100% that a lot of the older Germans have a somewhat snobby attitude and are very very stubborn people. They are proud of their heritage and are very straight forward people just ask them! If you don’t like the food and have a problem with 1 guy at your church maybe you need to consider your options but bashing the German-Russian people in the Panhandle is probably not your best choice.
Klein, thanks for reading. I have to disagree with one of your disagreements. I never said I don’t like the food. I make fun of the food, but I never said I don’t like it. Kraut burgers are pretty damn good (although Runza’s are way over-priced and not nearly as good as my wife’s). I eat the black nightshade berries as well… but these berries are from the nightshade family (same as tomatoes, eggplant, many peppers, and TOBACCO)… and the green berries are considered poisonous (Wikipedia black nightshade if you don’t believe). I actually have a bunch of them growing in my backyard this year and am trying to get a gallon of them frozen to make into some sort of hot sauce later this fall with my Thai, tabasco, and habanero peppers.
I know bashing the German-Russian people (whose blood runs through my veins as well… just not enough to make me completely pig-headed 🙂 ) doesn’t seem very nice, but it really is fun. You should try it! There are a lot of really great people around the Craphandle… German-Russians included… but if I didn’t bitch, what else would I have to blog about?
Does anyone know where I can buy the German Blackberries??? If so e-mail me at roses-in-kansas@cox.net
Thanks
Geri, I don’t know if you will find anywhere (other than perhaps a local grower) to purchase the berries. The berries are better known around the rest of the country as “black nightshade” or “Solanum Nigrum”. I know there are some local growers here, and they charge like $5.00 a gallon for the berries. The catch is, you have to pick them yourself, which is quite a chore. There are places online you can buy the seeds if you have space to grow them. They are classified as a weed and will grow about anywhere and in many kinds of soil. Once they establish, they are not very easy to get rid of. However, I have found that the berries freeze well, so you can harvest them and use them throughout the year. Hope that helps, and thanks for reading my blog 🙂
This totally cracked me up. I live in Oklahoma now but grew up in Minatare, Ne. Man, I really do miss the cabbage burgers and garlic sausage. Oh and I also miss Scotty’s and Taco Town. THATS IT! Dont miss the crap around there at all. People around here (including my husband) think I am nuts when I talk about the food back there.
Lisa, yeah, the food around here is pretty… uh… different 🙂 I like me the garlic sausage, and the cabbage burgers, and the mediocre Tex-mex, and stuff made with the black nightshade. Maybe someday, when God finally shines his light upon me and takes me far away from here, I, too, will look back with fondness and miss what I left behind. Until then… GET ME OUT OF HERE 🙂 Thanks for reading!
I am like 6 years too late in commenting on here but, I about died laughing at this. I am a Russian-German and lived in Scoblo for 38 years and then moved to Michigan. I hunt and road trip…or in Nebraska “booze cruise” as it totally always involved drinking!
I totally MISS garlic sausage and pork sausage from co-op. My mom makes blackberry dumplings, which I never did like (although not because I knew they were made with nightshade berries, I didn’t find that out until I moved), and cabbage burgers that are so amazing.